Are You Breaking Up With Me Because I'm Alive? (Yoga, Cancer & Loving Yourself)

He said because the president wanted people to remain calm. Well, let's go. I'm not but Susan. I this isn't. Mr. Vice President speaking. I'm speaking. Yeah. Talk about packing the court then. Let's talk about Yeah, I'm about to 400,000 a year appeal the Trump tax cuts Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking. I'm speaking be important as you said the truth if you don't mind letting me finish. We can have a conversation. Okay, please. Okay. Welcome to She's Not Doing So Well. It's a podcast. I'm Bobby. I'm, what is this? nonfat. The tongue is my tongue in my throat and I'm gonna try to limit the box to 10 love it. Honey. I'm just so awkward at this God. Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of She's Not Doing So. Well. I'm Bobby. I'm Jim. I'm speaking. Are you speaking or am I speaking? Okay. Listen, we got some things to unravel. But first, this week, we're talking to Kiersten Beverly waters, who is a an amazing, amazing person been through a lot of struggle. But she's a guru. Now she's a guru. We'll go over that later. And she'll go over it too. And she will go over it till we talk about my third eye. It's wide open. I have a lot of open holes and like open things. You know what I mean? seem to close. They're like, please start closing your holes in your eyes, your mouth, but you're closing your leak. Like I have a loud mouth. You got a loud mouth. You got a loud hole gay. I forget the sound effects. This debate this week was just I mean hell on a honey epic epic, like beyond epic. I mean, let's leave the fly for a little bit. Yeah, the fly alone was like, well, we are ready to go. We have an exclusive interview interview with the fly. Yes. So you're gonna have to get ready for that wonder where that fly went. Oh, that bitches here and ready to fucking spill 40 also the eye that left eye was bursting. Yeah, I mean, oh, it has COVID 100% does because he canceled all his events. Did you hear that? No. Yeah. Hi. Oh, Dave just entered the studio. Oh, you dressed up Q. Oh, I'm in basketball shorts. Theater. Oh, I'm sorry. You hear me? All right. All right. Hi. Oh, all of a sudden you wake up now. I know what I don't like that. Like, why? Because when you see me you roll your eyes. You're bitching about everything. You're barking? You're bitching about things? You're like, I'm so about to bitch about him and Dave walks in and you're all glowing? Vich about him. You know what? Bitch spill the hot tea, honey. This little bitch. I don't even know you were talking about Oh, the COVID Yeah, he has got COVID Oh, yeah. I didn't know he canceled events. So well. I just saw the next debates canceled because Trump's terrified and knows he did here on the last is such. I know. It's really embarrassing. Now. I think it's really crumbling. Like it was crumbling. Like actually almost kind of feel bad. I'm like, wow, like, you're really fucking failing. Yeah, like, He's lucky to be alive. You were lucky to be if he even I mean, there was an interview with hannity that he was. Did you hear that? Oh, honey, we got up. I mean, we've got to get it. Oh, I didn't hear that. Yes. He was like, yeah, I'm feeling great. But I mean, it's unbelievable. Well, I want him to vote, but I will say this absentee is okay. Because absentee ballots. Excuse me, absentee ballots are fine. Well, I didn't even want to use them. You know, last time I had a big problem. They isolated my mics when I get the one debate where three debates with Hillary and so on. I think the first debate the the first debate, they isolated the modesty step in so me I I'm speaking, I speaking. I mean, we'll have a conversation. So you're great, you're cured. But when you're talking over more than four minutes, four seconds. You're like, dude, I mean, when he walked up the stairs Oh, he was talking and poteau money. I'm like, you look like shell Illa I'm so fucking over him. I know. Like, I don't even know how to even express it anymore. I'm talking over him. I just want to know what all his supporters think about him getting a treatment derived from fetal tissue. They're like, Oh, yeah, I know how ironic. Oh, abortion. So how do you think they got the fetal? They're like, that ain't no abortion. That's from a real baby. Like, no, no, an abortion baby. It's a real baby honey. But you know, sometimes, there are things that happen in some people's lives, including most of the time health problems. Sure. That is the reason why they have to get the abortion. And then that baby can be used to make whatever the fuck he'd got to get healthy. I don't know where else He's a goddamn mouse. Okay, well, and we're not saying we wanted him to die we did we made that very clear. Yes. We did not want him to die I repeat the repeat I'm speaking I'm speaking we do not but we don't want him to be locked up forever once he's voted out the fuck up Sit the fuck down Shut the fuck up. That's basically all I might be the title of the goddamn episode should be the title of the podcast. Set the fuck would I even say I have to really I don't remember about the wines. Good. I'm drinking the wine today. This is like a very rare event that plus your brain tumor that you have is literally I can't read today. I can't read I can't read. I was trying to read you something you have anxiety. You anxiety. That was the tumor? I don't know happening. I think I'm just really tired saying I need it. I am like my eyes are barely open. Well you got woke up this morning. Tell us my upstairs neighbor decided to do a pogo stick or jumping jacks at

15am What's the fucking Pogo like a pogo stick setting where you like bouncing? Yeah, but like is it like people do pogo sticks in their fucking house? They if you're a dumb bitch you do. Am I allowed to say that? Yeah, you're allowed to say whatever you want honey and you know what you can be a dumb bitch whether you're a man or a woman yeah no dumb bitches not is not gender overhype breaking the binary you can be a dumb bitch. You can be a dumb bitch pan. Right? Am I right? I'm right. You can be any non binary bitch. Okay, I don't care like you can be a dump and BB non binary bitch. Don't be an nvb honey. Nbd is honey Nbd is honey misogynistic? It's probably in some circles. It is. I love you sweetie. I love the word sweetie lately on Tik Tati? I've been watching these dumb ass gay tech talkers that are for Trump. And I keep writing like Oh, honey, or I will say like, what's gonna happen when your daddy turns on you, sweetie? like shit like that? Like I am being content because they will cuz he will. Yeah. Daddy's gonna turn. Daddy is Trump because they're 2020 and I'm like, you are sucking dick. And you are voting for Trump? Like, like over we all saw be honest with you. If you're sucking deck, you should not be voting for Trump. No, that's just it's just a fact. It's just a fact. It's that is that's pure sir facts. I'm speaking. I'm speaking. Mm hmm. That was like I mean, I'm telling you, when I watched the beats, I it's like a I'm a big sports fan as we've talked about, but like it is like a sporting event. I just yeah, up off the couch. I'm so riled I'm like, oh my god. Yeah. Did she say that Mike's like, sit down. I'm like, Oh, I can I have to pace I pace. Yeah, it's fucking I really don't like this time of year. I anxiety was so high at up to kitty paws. Like, Oh, honey, you're getting blocked out on kitty Paul on a on a. On a work night, you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday. Because she's speaking. And I'm speaking and also I'm speaking but I it Yeah, it's just crazy. How do we how do I say this, though? I'm gonna say shouldn't say quasi quasi. How do I say? I really like komla better than Biden. Well, like I said, we're all waiting for day one. This is why Nancy's invoking the 25th amendment so that when Biden gets in there, like Well, we're actually gonna have commonly run the shit. Sorry, Joe Hama speaks up. Sit aside, Papa. I don't think anybody's more. I wish I would have listened to her more. Yeah. During the debates with the Democrats. Because, yeah, she's smartest. Fuck, she's, yeah, no, she is like the way she speaks to people the way she like lays shit out. Honey, not let you get away with anything. No, the fly. They're here to fly. The Fly is here. Hi, fly. So we're gonna do an interview with that? actually. Yeah. Oh my god, the fly has arrived. Like we're gonna do a little interview. So you made your parents Tuesday night. Tell us about your journey. Well, when I was younger, I need to grow up and fly. Well. Your ultimate goal is what made you choose this moment? to stir things up. By the way I was going to talk about it. You seem to hang out for a while. Was there anything significant about that? comma, speed so it was always so what is the future hold for you? I mean, a fly's life isn't exactly there's wouldn't say quite a long time already. Usually. They get out there, I lay my head and hopefully the family legacy lives on and you make Donald Trump. So you're living with no regrets. That's great. Thank you so much for this exclusive. We love your work and we look forward to following your legacy. Last thing, Coxon. How? And that was the fly. Wow. That's like a bee but whatever. Oh yeah, but I'm not 100% I feel 20 years younger 20 years or put me 16 that would be so nice. Wow, he imagined being 16 again like youthful. You can rival of libido. your libido is through the roof. You can't masturbate enough. I've literally you can masturbate. You're like I met somebody one time so I can't I'm saying this but I'm gonna say it. Yeah, when I was younger that like my dick was gonna fall again. It was like sorting out a store. And actually, he was like, swollen on the one side so No, it was like swollen. On the one side. I jacked up so much. And I said to my dad, I was like, we bruised it. I showed my dad my wiener. Oh, no. Yeah. And I was like, that's when you know, and I was like, Dad, I was like, I felt when I was playing baseball. And I think I might and he's like, are you sure you weren't masturbating? Like, no, never said yes. He knew what the fuck was going on. I'm like, he's like your room. Sounds like KY jelly and shit. Like what I mean, you've been in here sweating your ass. Your little pubescent ass off, man. Oh, yeah, I think of that. There's towels that are crusty in the corner. Oh, so bad. They do like really bad when I it's funny when I go I step sons feet. Oh, it's because they're awful. Oh, and just like you're like, Oh, God, I forgot about that. So anyways, your swollen penis, my swollen tendon is working. But I had to show my dad and it was kind of embarrassing, but you know, gay? Yeah, it's happening. So I told that I couldn't be 16 to be 16 again and rub my dick raw and have to show my Father God, that was the time of my life, the life. How did we get here? How do we wire How do we go from the fly to here and now? I'm trying to figure out I mean welcome if you're a new listener, urban holes speaking of opening, and and alive Kiersten Beverly waters is our guest. And she wrote the book struggle guru and we talked to her about all that we also talked about her diagnosis at a young age in college of cancer. I go into my it was a really good interview. She was very sweet. We really appreciate her coming on the show. And we're going to Maine and we're going to Maine. We're best friends now. That's the most important really what we got out of it. We're going to Maine. We're going to get some lobster, some clam chowder. I was like what else do they have? I don't know. Like, I don't know. I just picture like, I'm like, I Know What You Did Last Summer vibe. Like misty, your mystic? Oh, and I'm saying like very leery be like, yeah, Metairie. Like every water has like, nothing on it. And there's like lighthouses that you can't see because there's so much mist and fog. Anyway, without further ado, let's welcome to the stage. Here's Beverly, barely water. So do you want to tell us just a little bit about yourself, like how you grew up where you grow up? sort of just like a quick little synopsis of your early childhood into adulthood? I guess. Yeah. So I grew up in Akron, Ohio. And you know, nobody knew where that was until LeBron James. That's true. True. Thanks for putting me on the map. So people know where I'm at. I grew up in Akron. My father passed when I was young. And so my mom was a single parent raising three young girls. I still pray for her every day. Yeah. Horrible. Yeah. That's a lot of work. Wrong. Right. Like, that's, that's your nightmare, probably, but nothing necessarily, like super amazing or extraordinary growing up outside of the typical struggles of awkwardness, right? And then in college, you know, dealing with coming out well, also dealing with cancer. So you know, there's that I thought maybe cancer would soften the blow being gay. Heads up people it doesn't work. That's, oh, maybe maybe I can put a cancer card and I won't get such backlash. No focus on cancer. Wow. So that was an undergrad overdiagnosis, when were you diagnosed? And what? Yeah, it was my senior year I was diagnosed, and I was actually working for the American Cancer Society as an intern talking about self breast exams to women in their 40s, and how to properly do it. And while I was at a conference to learn how to teach this to other women, it felt like I had a golf ball in my breast. And the oncologist leading the conference was like, you have a better chance of winning the lottery twice than that being anything significant, let alone cancer. So I should have played the lottery twice. Wow. Because it was like, so that was fun. Some things, would you say? I was like, What a way to find it. Like you're doing the work? And yeah, I feel like it's kind of like, not a it was like meant to be to find it. You know what I mean? Like, what if you never did that, then you, would you? I mean? And that's, I mean, that is the the fortunate thing if I hadn't found it, because they did find it also had spread into my uterus and various places throughout my body. So if I hadn't, then for sure, I don't think we'd be having this conversation. So I, you know, I believe that things happen for a reason. And during that time, I actually think that helped me focus on something other than, you know, my, my sexual orientation and my identity, because that felt like it was crushing me. So it gave me this opportunity to kind of sit, sit with things for a little while and focus on the cancer and not feel like sadly, not feel so different. Even though I was very young, and absolutely very different within the cancer community, because breast cancer. Now, unfortunately, there are younger and younger women, but at the time, people my age, you know, we were less than 1% of the population that was being diagnosed. So, you know, I'm sitting with people in their 40s, mostly 50s and 60s. So it's not like the treatments were necessarily designed for someone who is young, or is has the immune system, or the strength that I did at the time. So, you know, everything happens for a reason. Like, what did you think when you got the diagnosis? Were you? I mean, yeah, like, I want to, like, I have a fear. I'm a hypochondriac, and I have a fear of cancer, I want to ask you, I know this might be I don't want you to get I don't want to focus on the cancer, obviously. But I want to ask you, What is that like to get diagnosed? Like, what do you What's your first reaction, cuz I, that is like, one of my biggest fears, to be honest with you, and to hear that you powered through that, and then to see where you're at now, how do you deal with something like that, especially when you're in undergrad? I mean, like, I mean, the first responses, this isn't real, like denial. So first, yo, the first stage of many things, right? denial, then shock. And then fear. You know, I was obviously very fearful, because it was one of my fears as well. You know, my, like I said, my father passed when I was six, almost seven, fairly traumatically. I remember waking up to my mother performing CPR over him, and I fell asleep next to him, and you know, hearing my sister scream, and like that was traumatic in and of itself. And so my fear growing up was always what happens if something happens to me, and this could kill me, or that could kill me. And I think for a long time, I was a hypochondriac, too. So when they said that I was like, This isn't, this isn't really happening to me, you know, you. Eventually you get to a point where it's like, well, I either deal with this or mean or not. Yeah, you have to just like strap on your boots. It sounds I mean, like, but I want at some point, I don't know where that turns out for me, because I would be just, I mean, you know, me generally be, it would be a rough period, which I think it is for me. Yeah, it's not like it's up. Yeah. Well, I mean, I know and I've struggled with depression for for most of my life, and that definitely heightened my depression. You know, I felt especially because friends start out really supportive. And they're like, I'm here for you for anything. And then suddenly, it was like, you saw that cancer thing? Oh, Call me when you don't. I'm like, it's not the flu. It's not a cold. I'm not being a baby, like, like, every night, and I feel like crap. Yeah, so that's pretty cool. Thanks for that. I guess I find out who my real friends are. And actually, the really sad part was, I was dating someone at the time, who ended up breaking up with me as I started to get healthier, and she was just like, I wasn't really looking for a long term relationship. I'm like, are you breaking up with me? Because I'm alive. This might be the worst. Ever. Wow. Wow. Yeah. She's like, the worst breakup, then you're, you're alive and I wasn't really anticipating. So the word struggle, right. So So you are the struggle guru. I mean, let's talk about your book. I mean, so talk about struggle. What what is what does it mean? Well, first of all, you know, it's funny that you say like, Oh, your struggle guru. I am my own guru, but I'm nobody's guru. Okay? You know, the book is about evaluating our stories that that we tell ourselves that we've experienced. And ultimately look at how the stories we're telling ourselves is influencing our biology. It's influencing the way we think the way we breathe, the people we hang out with the jobs that we engage in. And if we start to look at struggle, instead of this very negative entity or energy that's holding us back. And instead, as this ally, and this teacher that's trying to work with us, we can start to see that struggle can become our superpower. And we can really transform our thoughts, our breath, our way of being. And it sounds cheesy, I'm very much aware of that. But it's true looking, looking at our stories, and evaluating the thoughts that we have every day can help us realize that ultimately, the only person who knows you on the deepest most personal level is you. And so you are the only guru that you can, you can really look up to that's such a different way to kind of like look at things. And you I mean, it does take you in your inner guru to, you know, get out of things. And yeah, I feel like we always try to look around people or to other ideas to fix us. And so it sounds like you can kind of turn to yourself and find something inside of you. Absolutely. I mean, ultimately, you know, so I bring up the compass in the book, and like establishing our compass helps us evaluate our stories. And if you look at your compass, your north is your your true self. So if I strip away the flesh and bone, all the labels that you've attached yourself, there's an energy about you. And you've experienced it, when you come into a room and somebody else comes into a room and you just feel their energy, and you're attracted to them, maybe physically or just drawn to their energy, that is the essence of our being. And that's our north, which is rooted in our southern Southern point, which is our belief system, that may be religious, that just may be very strongly rooted convictions. And the eastern point is our external experiences, it might be education, it might be communities that we're around. It can be formal education, but ultimately, that's going to lead to our Western point, which is our wisdom. And our wisdom is our legacy. And it's what we share with others. It's how people remember the energy and the being that we are. And so many people, especially now, with all of these different electronic devices and media constantly inundating us, our compass is just slightly askew off of our true north. And from like a very navigational point of view for the compass. If you're a compass, it's true north is just one degree off, we're in our house that might take you from the kitchen to the living room, when you wanted to go to the bathroom. And that might not be a big deal. But if you're in the wilderness, and you're one degree off, and you're traveling that way, say 20 years of your life, all of a sudden you find yourself in the wilderness, and you're asking yourself, How the hell did I get here, right? Like, what is this? And so that's where like the book starts to ask some very personal questions for you and do some digging and unpacking of our story so that you can reset your compass and really move in the direction that leads you onto that path of ally ship with struggle rather than this enemy or adversary that you have to work against. Do you think that LGBTQ people have experiences that can kind of get your compass off that path? Or do you think that's something unique to us? Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And, you know, in the book, I discussed my experience with coming out and coming to terms with with who I am, and part of what sends us a skew is not being authentic to who we are. And so for so many of us, we have to hide this aspect of ourselves. And that that changes our trajectory. I mean, for me, personally, even in the career of yoga and wellness, I'm still not widely accepted. As a teacher, I've been asked to grow out my hair and come off softer so that I'm more palatable to middle aged women in a yoga class, they would much rather have, like the gay male yoga teacher who's going to be their gay best friend, like, that's what they're looking for. And so that, that skews my identity, right, like professionally, so it's not just, there's not just one body. You know, in yoga, there's the coaches, or there's five bodies to our being and physical is one of them. But there are many layers to us and, you know, our identity, whether that's gender, sex, sexual orientation, all of these things can start to get skewed and those add to our struggles as this enemy because as soon as we start to, you know, I tell people, it's like the moment you realize, okay, I'm gay. Like, I'm going to come out of the closet and you're like, come out, it's more like a jackin the box because you like, crank it, crank and crank it, you can't hold it anymore. So you tell someone you like pop out of the box. And then they they don't they don't respond the way you were expecting and you shove yourself back in the box. And then somebody else cranks you and cranks you and cream shoe and it's like this constant process of I'm coming out. I'm going in and coming out and going in. Oh, wow. That's actually really awesome. Right? Yeah, that's like a life. Yeah. No, come out the rest of your life. I mean, I'm always in certain environments you want to hide back again? And then you kind of go back? Oh, no. Wow. Right. I mean, there's, there's so many times that like how many times you have to hide your identity, or your your identity is perceived by somebody else. Because again, their compass, their experiences, their perception are going to influence the way they see you and your compass. I mean, I've had police throw me out of bathrooms, because I was wearing a baseball cap. And I gotta be kidding me thought I was in the bathroom. So the perception is okay, a binary system, this is what's male, this is what's female, this is what's right, this is what's wrong. And so your struggle, it continues to build if we can't be authentic to who we are. And sometimes it's not about us, it's that external, that Eastern point, there's putting pressure on our authentic self, that's skewing our compass, it's not even something we're doing. Right. And so it becomes so much more important to be honest with your voice with your story. Because others need to hear that as well. So we can can could continue to feel empowered together to move forward and share that and shift the needle so that we can all you know, within the LGBTQ plus community start to find our North based on our true identity are two experiences that just so I'm sorry that to me, that was so well said because you've always got to just be yourself. So you do so yoga, like I am absolutely not a flexible person. What would you like I am six foot five, and up there and wait, um, but like, what would you say to somebody who wants to start doing yoga? Like, how do you get into something like that? Because it's more than just a body thing? It's like mental wellness. Oh, yeah. How do you? How do you help beginners get their journey started with yoga? Well, the first thing I usually take, tell students when I meet for the first time, or when I'm in a new studio or spaces, if you're looking for yoga teacher to bend you into this tight pretzel, I'm probably not your yoga teacher. But if you're looking for a yoga teacher to grab a soft pretzel after class, I'm probably more your yoga teacher. Perfect. All right. You know, because I do think that especially this is, you know, the way new media has skewed things. If you just Google yoga, you're gonna see very bendy white women doing crazy things. And that isn't all of yoga. Or I've expressed before, like as my weight has fluctuated. They'll talk about a twist. And I remember being in a class where the teacher said lift your belly and twist this way. And a woman looked at me and she's like, I don't think that girl has ever had a belly and there's too much of a belly for me to lift. You know, and I tell people like as I'm doing like, a side angle bend and I've said you know what, I'll be honest with you like my muffin top right now. It's gone from like, very doughy to like little intimate muffins. Like it's, it's worked on different sizes, but mine is still there. Um, and the reality is there's a lot of nerve endings in fat cells and around ourselves, that becomes uncomfortable. So I always encourage people to listen to your body. And don't, don't be so can, you know, consumed by what the shape looks like. Yeah, focus instead on what you're feeling in your body. So when you show up to a class, if I say warrior two, and there are 20 people in a class, there'll be 20 different variations of warrior two. Warrior Two isn't about arms extended, heel to arch alignment, knees bent, drawing the energy up and in. It's a mindset, right? Like what is warrior to feel like in your body. And I will tell you, I've seen students move and breathe in all different ways. And the most beautiful practices that I've seen are the students who are honest with what they're feeling in their body and move it to their own, beat their own breath. So don't be afraid to show up on the mat and not be quote unquote perfect because there is no perfect there are there is no perfect. It's just showing up and being in your body and being honest with how that feels. And if that means sitting in child pose or lying on your back for 60 minutes, do it. Yeah, what is the most authentic? My best post is awkward. Would you say my best pose is awkward like I'd be like, because I always feel like once I get into things like that I get like awkward Like, I'm like, Oh my God, he's looking at me which they're not at all like, they're clearly not looking at me. But I just feel that way. So the way you're explaining it, those, it's kind of nice to be like, Listen, this is about you, this is about your journey. And as a group, we can help you get there. But at the end of the day, it's your version of XYZ. Well, and honestly, that's part of the reason that I also offer queer and trans yoga. Because the truth is that there is there is that fear of when you show up on the mat is somebody expecting me to look a certain way, because they think I'm a certain identity, because they think I'm a certain gender. And that makes it impossible for you to be in your body, and to really be vulnerable, because Yoga is a very vulnerable practice you, you're showing up and you are dealing with all of your shifts, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and you can't work through that if all you're worried about is does somebody to my left or right, have a belief system that if they knew that I was this person that they wouldn't want to be next to me. I mean, again, I've had studios where I practice somebody found out I was getting there, like, I don't feel comfortable practicing next to this person, and then been asked to come at a different time, why do I have to come at a different time, like, I'm not doing anything wrong, just showing up on my mat. And that's hard, like yoga is a vulnerable space. And if we don't offer space for everyone to be able to do that, there are more people than most realize who feel that discomfort of what's happening on the mat to my left, and to the right of me. And I can't be in my body because I can't even be present without worrying about all of that. That's a good lesson in life, I feel like to like I mean, it's a kind of a life lesson you can take out there into the real world, like, Look, not everybody's looking at you just go do your thing, and be true to yourself, or that they may be looking at you and soccer. People sometimes the greatest act of rebellion that we can do as human beings is love ourselves, unconditionally. Love ourselves unconditionally not not based on how many likes we get on a social media post, or you know how many people make comments to us about the way we look, but that we wake up and are so fiercely in love with who we are with everything that we are that nothing can shake us. And that's a hard thing to do each and every day. That's a daily practice. And that's part of yoga, right? Like you have to show up every day. It is a practice, and it will be a life practice. Maybe I need to do yoga, I feel like it's just very clearing and cleansing. I want to do the Trans and Queer yoga. I know I'd rather go to space and I feel I'm always worried like, like you're saying like people are like, this is a really weird position. And you brought up muffin tops earlier. Like, I really need to be like holding this position. Everyone's staring. But yeah, we need to find a welcoming place. I think there is some actually there's probably some Yeah, they're they're appearing more and more. So that's a positive. So I haven't been able to read the book yet. But I want to hear about this chapter titled humble pie is making me fat. Like I love the title alone makes me just want to read that chapter like go right to that chapter. What is that all about? so humble pie is making me fat? Was the realization for myself and other students that I have taught over the years that so many times? How many times have you been in a relationship where you're the one who got dumped, and they walk away scot free, but you're holding on to all of the emotional baggage or you got fired from a job or knew that you had to leave a job, but it was toxic and you wish you could have told them everything that you were really thinking but it wouldn't be very professional and you never know where you'll end up in life. Yeah, all of these things start piling up. And for many people, it manifests into physical manifestation. So putting on weight and I had reached a point in my life where I looked at my body and I didn't know whose body this was. Because I I didn't see myself in it. And I was like, Okay, well, this this muffin top, on the right side is this crappy breakup. And this was this job where somebody told me, I couldn't work here because they were afraid if I adjusted female athletes and they found out I was gay, that it'd be sexual harassment, right like that. Why am I carrying all this stuff? We're taught to be polite, bite your tongue. Don't, don't say if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. And we are consuming these things over and over. And they're becoming our thoughts. They're becoming our eating habits. They're becoming our motivation or lack thereof. It's affecting our sleep, our nervous system, and it ultimately, is killing us. And so I sat there looking at my body and saying, I'm tired. I'm tired of being humble, being quiet, biting my tongue, and letting everyone else walk away scot free, and be the one who has to bear all of their bullshit. So that is the overarching theme and humble pie is making me fat. Now were you always that kind of a person or did something with like when you got diagnosed with cancer, and then you You came out of it, did that change you in a way that you became stronger to have a voice, or you always kind of did you always have a voice? I definitely was the fake it till you make it like so I had a voice, but it wasn't authentically mine. And it definitely was through cancer, you know, I had the blessing of, you know, I got into yoga because of a cancer patient who I was so depressed and miserable, not being able to leave my house or leave a hospital bed. And she helped me see that I could be anywhere I wanted with my breath and with my mind. And, you know, sadly, she's not here any longer. And there are many people that I met in that journey, who had so many experiences to share that. I remember having conversations with many of them, like if we get through this, enough with it enough of the bullshit enough of the crap enough is stuffing everything down, let's be ourselves, let's change the world by sharing our voice. And it took me a long time to be able to build the confidence and have the courage to be able to do that. So it wasn't like a light switch moment. But over the years, the more and more I sat with this, you know, I've taught at schools. You know, I taught Kent State University and in Ohio, for several years in the Exercise Science Department, I would talk to my students about this. And I was like I was always talking about it. And oftentimes teachers keep teaching the lessons they need to hear the most. I'm so I was hearing my message like, Oh, I should be doing this. I'm telling you, and I'm being very, very aggressive about wanting it for you. But really, I'm telling myself that this needs to happen. So through that process, I reached a point where I was like, enough is enough. I was, you know, you, you get backed into a corner so many times before you're just like, either, I'm gonna cower down and take it and let it beat me down to nothing, or I'm gonna, I'm gonna fight back. And I chose to fight back because I felt if I made it through cancer, like what a slap in the face of those people I admired so much who lost their battle to just sit there and let people's words be what breaks me down. Like, just letting other people's words be the cancer to the new cancer to my life. And I just refuse to let that exist any longer. That's incredible. It's a good perspective. Yeah, that's like incredible. So one thing we were also wondering is the start of 2020. You're looking ahead of the year, back in January, you got a book coming out, oh, like everything's hopefully going well. And then the pandemic hits, like, how has that changed your perspective, and like getting ready for the book and all of that the book was supposed to come out in 2019. And I had, like, with my editor, I had some rewrites. And I still felt like there was something missing, and end up being three chapters that were missing. So the book was delayed, and then it was going to come out in 2020. So here, I was, like, yeah, 2020 having this vision. Great. And I'm in 2020, I'm like, Oh, I didn't realize just how relevant right like this is going to be in people's lives. And struggle is universal. It doesn't have it's definitely not unique to 2020. But 2020 is definitely like if there was a word to like focus on struggle would be it. And so I think if anything, it's definitely opened more conversations in some areas that I don't think I would have actually had the opportunity, especially because of so many of the movements that are happening between like creating more inclusive spaces, looking at the in justices that are happening across the country. And so that opened doors that had previously been not just shut but like padlocked double down. Huge concrete barrier, steel barrier, and then sunk below seas. So there, there are more conversations that people were willing to have as 2020 came forward and people willing to be vulnerable, because quite honestly, being quarantined and stuck in your home, you are now like there aren't as nearly as many distractions that people were using before to not address their stories, not address their struggles. You know, before it would be I have to take my kid to this practice. Then I have to go here and I'm running this business and I'm doing this I'm doing this so they could go all these places. Well, what do you do when you can't go anywhere and it's in your home? you're faced with it. So people are like, okay, we'll be faced with it. Somebody better help me. I need some help. I mean, 2020 has humbled a lot of people 2020 has also I mean, open my eyes in the sense that there is a lot of like, things that you take for granted. as a as a Go on through the year like I mean, something is it was the bar I know that sounds horrible to that's my example. But like going to the bar meeting your friends, like, we haven't been doing that. And this whole summer I have not sat on a patio really or anything like that. So I've been pretty cautious about it. But like, it kind of opens your mind and kind of like, makes you reflect on who you really are as a person. And I'm kind of looking at it. Like when this is over, I want to come out of this different in a way, but like a better me, I guess. But you know, it's also kind of hard because then you're stuck in inside, you're like really having to examine yourself. So when reminding I mean, I've seen so many things through this pandemic, it's like, well, if you haven't learned your third language, and I've been able to get a six pack in, like you've wasted it, I'm like, Well, I picked up a six pack at the grocery store. And it's not what you were referring to. I bought the Rosetta Stone, but it's being used to prop up the tundra because I couldn't afford water, you know, like that expectation that's, that's being put on us also becomes its own struggle, like small things, small changes, right? Like just the fact that you're aware that you want it to feel different, is huge. Yeah. Like, I work with people who would take 10 years of training with them, trying to get them to do all these different things to see just that piece of the puzzle. Yeah, it's like one step at a time. I mean, really, you know, everyone's a jump to the end game. But really, it's just taking one step at a time and saying, I'm gonna make this change here. And then I'm gonna make this change here. You know, whatever. Yeah, I like that. You said it's like a practice. So it's like, every day, this is part of your practice, you have to do this. You're, yeah, you could fail. And that's fine. The next day, you get back up and do it again. Absolutely. One. This is where I have some difficulty sometimes with the industry within fitness, nutrition. I mean, there's a reason it's a multi billion dollar industry. You know, everyone's like, get fit in 60 days, do this in 30 days. And don't get me wrong. I've definitely been that coach before because I got to make $1. Right. But as I've gotten older, the thing that's really sad, and that is, what about sustainability, because at the end of the day, like the big finish line that everyone's trying to get to, guys, it's like it's the end of your life. I'm not in any rush to get to that finish line, like Sure. Okay, was slowing it down. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I mean, I tell people that, you know, ancestry.com sent me a new leaf and was like, looks like your based on your social media posts. We actually found out you're related to Betty Crocker, because you've been doing so much. Oh, my Really? Like, really? Are you working out all the time? And I'm like, No, no, I don't give a crap in my third cake. This week. I'm enjoying this damn, damn it. Yeah, you kind of have had, like, you just enjoy it. Like, at the beginning, I was like, well, let's take advantage of this. And like, you know, I think now it's where I'm getting, like, to the point I'm like, okay, like, I you know, I'm ready for it to be over. But we can't stop now. I mean, we all just give up now, it's gonna end up just ramping up and we're all gonna be screwed in the end. So we're gonna keep going pushing along. In closing, what tips can you share with our listeners? Is there anything you wanted to leave our listeners with? You know, I think the big tip, which is really a little tip is start sitting with your story, you know, and I'm going to address this specifically to LGBTQ, because right now can be very isolating. And I am acutely aware that not everybody is currently being quarantined in a space that is safe. So you can't be as authentic as you want to be because some of your safe spaces have been removed. And that, that hurts my heart and a lot of ways, but write things down, write your write how you're feeling, start sharing your story personally for yourself, because you might not feel like your story has impact and has power and is going to become your ally. Until one day you meet a person who's sharing their struggle. And you realize that your story may be the catalyst that helps them turn their compass around and find their north and really honor who they are. So your story is powerful, you are powerful, doesn't have to be these big changes. Just start with the small stories that you're telling yourself, and you will start to see the big changes in your life, and it will always lead you to your north. I feel very inspired right now. I feel like I'm ready to go. Well, I'm gonna say this, but it's not really probably true, like run a marathon. But maybe baby steps one day at a time. first and then we'll see. Yeah, jogging, jogging. Yeah. It's making it you're very motivating, you're very speaking to you is kind of changed my perspective of things. So I really appreciate that. Well, thank you guys. We weren't we do want to know so for our listeners, how can they find out more about you, your books like kind of how to find you on social media and maybe get in touch with you. So the easiest way to get Get a hold of me is through my website which is KB waters calm so if you go to KB waters it will link you to some of my other brands as well as my my book contacting me personally and it has my social media links usually the easiest because ultimately people always spell my name wrong Katy waters dead cat. I like your domain name. We'll do some cider. We'll do some apple picking. Oh, I'm down for one domain. Yeah. Oh my god. It's happening for sure. Thank you so much. Bye. Hi. Thank you. Thank you to Kiersten Beverly waters for that what an amazing person. Honestly, like I really enjoyed that. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Please subscribe to our apple. I don't know I keep saying that. It's not that's what it is. You can find us on Spotify Apple, iHeartRadio, Stitcher pitcher catcher, all those fucking apps. Okay, find us Subscribe review if you can, because that really helps out. Share us with your friends. I mean, it doesn't hurt to just you know, give a little nudge sometimes to your friends. So with all that being said, this has been another episode of She's Not Doing So. Well. I'm Bobby. Jim has already left. We'll see you next week. Have a great week. Bye. Thank you for listening to another episode of She's Not Doing So Well. Leave a message with questions or comments at 669-207-4643 Don't forget to subscribe and check out our links in the podcast description of this episode. Views information or opinions expressed during She's Not Doing So Well podcast are solely those of the individuals involved and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any other agency organization, employer or company. Okay. This has been a house of breath production