Blink If You're Ok Ladies (Featuring Hall Monitor of the Universe)

Welcome to she's not doing so well. It's a podcast. I'm Bobby. The tongue. My tongue is in my throat and I cannot I'm gonna try to limit the box to 10 love it. I'm just so awkward at this God. Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of she's not doing so well I'm Bobby. I'm Jim. And we are practicing a remote kind of thing between both of us. I'm sad. I know it's not the same because you can't be on the road caster. Oh, the roadie caster. roadie cast. It's just we're not seeing your face. I know I feel the same way. I'm like looking at the wall going okay, so I'm talking to an iMac. I realize well, I need to get up webcam because we could do this on webcam. It'd be a lot easier. Oh, yeah. Okay. He, yeah, I just added to the list. I know but then people have to see us then they can see me I kind of like, like if I was interviewing somebody else, like having the option to see me's faces darn, I don't have a webcam, webcam, but I really don't like I really need to get it together. So that's something we can do. Like this is the first time they're going to hear the road caster on my end. Fortunately, you're you have a mic at your house, but we'll get a regular Jim's very busy this week. And we record the our interview with homeowner the universe. That's who our guest is this week. Over the weekend, so we need to just do like our opening and close. So here we are. Whatever. Jim. Tell me what's going on with you, honey. Well, it's exciting. Getting this new microphone was kind of exciting. It came in a cute little box and oh I you know get it out on like this is pretty fancy for $20 on Amazon like wow, I think it was like one of the top rated ones that people are buying to I'm like okay, well whatever it is. It sounds good it's cool yeah I mean for what it's like it seems pretty sturdy for cheap Mike I really like the option that we have right now of being able to do this just in case there's a problem to where we don't have to be face to face you know what I mean? But also obviously I rather face to face because I can't because I feel like we read off each other's like eyes and mouth and like holes and all that definitely all the holes just all of our holes just read off of each other so it's hard to like when I don't get to see your holes I Oh no. Oh oh, there we go. Oh yeah, I was like my whole so Bates casting shade. You're only Cast on a that's all. I have a story to tell. Okay? This actually happened last week. I didn't obviously we didn't record our opening or whatever for this episode, but um, last week, I don't know if it was Friday or Thursday. I fucking split my jeans before I went to work and I still want to hurt. You didn't tell me that. Nope. Oh, no. Like, I know how. I don't know I always split up in the crotch. So like when you're standing up or like when you're sitting so it's like, under like my taint where my taint is that that's where they usually like rip and I don't even know how I feel like that's where they like come together. I don't even Can you like feel them? Oh, see, look down and you're like, Oh, actually, I'll be 100% honest. I like was reaching down to like, adjust myself and I was like, that doesn't feel like gene that it was jeans too. By the way. This isn't feel like jeans This feels like, like boxers. And so then I looked down I was like oh that's because Have a literally six inch long rip me up on my, my top of my balls. So basically like half a ball is hanging out and you're like there's a reason here. And I was like fuck it and I went to work and I grabbed a goddamn stapler and went to the bathroom and I thought, yep, trash 100% trash. I'm like I'm not going back. Oh, yeah, it's too much. I one time I went to work with different shoes on. And yeah, I I went back. I didn't it depends on your job. Like I knew I was gonna be sitting at my desk all day long. I know to like kind of screwed into the depths of when we came in and was given a crotch shot. Yeah, oh my god. Like, I'm like, really? And I do. Honestly, I think I'm just like, very heavy in the area, like heavy, heavy. You know, like, yeah, like I have a taint and like thick legs. So like, I always have problems with pants anyway. Yeah. So and you kind of like your butt's not that big. No, my butt's like it. Kind of like it. Kind of Legs are big Yeah, it's not as big of a bubble but as you would you would think that I would have right yeah, when you're not asked you tear your jeans when you're flat out and big leg it's like a fucking I don't know, improper fraction or something. I don't know. Math. Yeah my teacher my sixth grade teacher always said that improper fractions were like her teacher when she was growing up where she was really top heavy but really skinny. I was like, Okay, well great. Well, I always think of literally every day like a little misogyny with your math. Right not nothing like a little improper fractions for you know, everything in life. It's a permanent condition. It is. So this episode is really great. We interview homeowner the universe and they totally explain a lot of things to us. We talked a lot about like Hollywood, we talk about their upbringing. I found that interesting because They just kind of came out and said who the nicest person was and who the meanest worst person was in Hollywood. Yeah. And I really thought they would be like, Well, um, I've met a lot of great people. And I've met, you know, like, beat around the bush. Oh, no, no honest, raw, like, it was in the truth. Tell me about it. Yeah, very much. So, we also learned about pronouns gender, which I mean, I'm just gonna be 100% honest with you. I still struggle with pronouns, because I think and honestly, I think a lot of people do because, you know, you're used to saying he, she, right? You are and we're taught that like, the way a person looks, tells you what their gender is. So, when we see facial hair, we're like, that's a man. That's literally what society tells us. And so we look at people and we make judgments pretty quickly about what their pronouns must be, but that's not right. And it's it, but it is a struggle to constantly remind yourself Hey, so this was a bad thing. We got taught kind of subconsciously, maybe we need to person your whole entire upbringing. It's like, and then when I'm high, it's like, oh my god. Like, why? Wait, so I did have a slip up at the end and I'm gonna play it and glory. But the thing was like, what they say in it in the interview is pretty cool and how they approach when people make mistakes. So I agree, I liked that. Actually, I never really understood the whole concept like I did, but like, when they explained it, it was like, perfect. Like, I don't know what it was, but it was just very clear. I was like, oh, let makes a lot more sense. And I'm like, making it more difficult, I think. Yeah. Me. So that's very exciting. Yeah, I liked I really liked hearing that. And then the other thing that I liked and I we won't spoil it here, but some people may know how home monitor of the universe as a name came about because I didn't know that. Yeah, that's actually really fun, too. Either Oh, that makes so much sense now. funnier. I don't have any music yet. Sorry. We're still getting used to it. Seen at the same time and now the news to take it away, Jim. All right. Well, this is a story about the straits and the problems are pausing because as usual the straights had to have a gender reveal party even though the child hasn't decided what gender they are, but here they come with their you know, pink powder bombs and blue powder bombs and golf balls that are actually grenades and whatever the hell else they're doing to like show if their child has a penis or a vagina or whatever, but apparently one of these women Under gender reveal parties started a wildfire. And this isn't the first time that we've heard a story like that. I mean, have you heard this before? Yeah, I mean, I've heard there's been a lot like people have gotten really hurt to like, Oh, yeah, people are fucking insane. Yeah, they're insane. Really think I mean, I'm sorry. Here's the thing. I don't give a fuck about what kind of fucking child you're having. I know really. And you shouldn't either, like, wedding. I didn't care about fucking I don't care. Like I hope you're happy. Like I'm not trying to be a dick. But like, I don't really care what fucking color comes out of that bitch. Now, I mean, it doesn't matter. That's like that. That's the problem is like we're setting this up like, okay, so but it's just, it just reinforces the binary, the whole gender binary like, Okay, well, my child's gonna have a penis. So that's going to be daddy's boy, and he's gonna grow up to play football and he's gonna go to the military and, and it's like, Okay, why are we starting that already? Like, this is so weird. Why don't you just have your baby, be happy with it, let it grow, let it develop. And they can decide that it's so hard for our culture like we're obsessed with it to the point that we're starting wildfires, which have now are out of control on the west coast, the sky is orange, it's scary and they're not all from gender reveal parties climate change, which Trump says is a hoax is definitely feeling it. But I mean, come on, if you've started a wildfire from a gender reveal party, it's time to stop them. It's just time for a change. You know what I mean? Like his point when we don't? Again, gender is a hard it's I know, it's new for a lot of people out there. And I don't want to I want to I don't want to sit here and sort of like shit on people who don't understand it because it is new. And it is something that we need to start to understand as a society. And yeah, just to move forward in life. I don't understand. I still don't really understand the whole I just don't get it. I can't. I know we should have some straight people on to like, talk about it like, no, how is your gender reveal, like when you have ellroy up the street and run down islamically To come, like run over something to blow it up to show reveal the blue powder. Yeah, it's so hard. I mean, I've seen things Garner wildfire, and then you start I've seen the, I mean, some of the videos on YouTube of these parties are just and then like the dad crying or the mom crying so it's not what they wanted. I'm like, yeah, I'm like, this is I, I cannot imagine this portrait, like how that poor child is going to grow up when the one parent is crying because it's gonna have a penis and not a vagina or the other way around, or neither, or be intersex and then they don't have Oh my god, what are we gonna do? Oh my god. I mean, it's just like, Oh, I hope those kids aren't queer. I hope they're not non binary because they're gonna have more life now. They're gonna now Yeah, they'll probably have a great life because they'll realize that their parents are shitheads but that's just me is where a lot of the times a lot of LGBTQ plus people have to get to that point. It's very difficult road for sure. But you would always have that to like hang over your parents. had like so yeah, you're mad at me cuz I ran the car into a tree but you started a wildfire. You know, pull that out of your back pocket like, Hey Mom. Mom had me in jail because they got a felony for burning down half of the West Coast. I haven't seen them because they're in there for 30 plus years. So I'm emancipated living my best life. prize I'm to spirit non binary. That would be Yeah, like writing a letter to your parents like so you're to shelah and john, joke's on you. joke's on you. Oh, yeah. But that's kind of the big news story for me is just these these. The wildfires are terrifying. Like we watched all of Australia burn last winter. And now the whole West Coast. It's like, do we think that these things are just not connected? And they're almost through the entire alphabet for hurricanes? Like we're about to go to Greek letters because we've had so many storms and hurricanes. It's like Like S is hopping right now. Right? Oh my god. I mean it This is ridiculous. It's all connected well and I found that we're going to London Kenya and actually we're gonna get like a lot more precipitation it's gonna be colder so this winter might be a bit I'm not gonna lie. Oh my god, I hope we get a snow day. I do too. I just wanted to fucking close down one fucking time and my work of course is like well, literally Berkeley Yeah, exactly the same. I'm there like okay, well Yep, you better get here like everything like the highways are shut down use the back roads. I'm like, I What? Okay, this It's unbelievable. But yeah, every It's all I think climate change is just terrifying. I mean, we're I hate to say we're screwed. You don't want to be hopeless. But we're certainly not getting better yet. We're sort of going down the road of no return. And that's a problem. Yeah. And that's why it's important to vote Right. I mean, this could be the last year because then we got four years of literally school yet to be at this It's not even a joke. It's scary. The leader of the free world which I don't even know for free anymore, I don't even know why I say that. I mean when I have the greatest country right now the free world like it's nothing we're all fucking stupid. But he's like, well if you vacuum the floor of the world said that and then today I heard that today you said that trees explode. Oh my god they are they explode that's how they spread the fire they explode knows like raking The forest is not going to prevent this like having droughts and no rain. That's something that's causing the fires. And then the general he'll slide it off. But I mean, just to add it to another Trump on the United States. Exactly. Exactly what happened in 2020. Exactly. I don't know. It's I don't know. It's par for the course. It is. It's like oh, this happened. Yeah, I believe it. True story. Oh snow storm and fucking October. That's what's happening here. Let's go. Yep. 2020 I'm gonna be fucking pet. Let me tell you right now in closing on this, I'm gonna be really fucking pissed if in October there's a fucking hurricane in North Carolina when I'm supposed to go to that goddamn beach house. You will lose it. I will lose my shit. Like I literally I'm like, this weekend, this week of the beach is like, going to be my Savior. Like, I'm the only thing holding me together right now. Hey, I'm gonna run with June in the beach. Run. Rewind run. You barely walk rollick through the way. We're gonna get Texas love it. I mean, it's ridiculous. So I'm really excited about that. Now if I fuckin hurricane, whatever they're gonna be Roman numeral three and omega. I mean, hey, mega fucking hits me I'm gonna be both the Alpha and the Omega shall be first they shall be goddamnit And that's the news. And that's the news. So close. This is just as painful for us because we can see your face and it's just like oh my god, it's weird. We're doing like a sensor. Oh, wait, honey, you hear me now? Yes. Oh fucking bitch hallelujah bit geez honey. I mean, I taught what first of all I know what did I say? I do not know how to do. I my ex boyfriend used to sit here and do everything for me. So that's where I'm at. And you know what, I'm gonna apologize it for any more because it is what it is. Yeah, it is what it is. How are you guys? Great. What do you want us to call you the hall monitor? different time, sir is fine. Okay, and they know you gals. I'm Jim you I've listened to you guys and it's very enjoyable you like you guys got me from Texas back to Las Vegas. Oh, it's a cluster. It's a total clusterfuck like some episodes are really good and others you're like, oh, skip this well I was like talking out loud to you guys like responding and all that kind of stuff. It was good ones on the show because I feel like you have the same when you're doing your like antics on Tick Tock where you're like screaming today you had one that you were like, don't say what, God bless you or what was it? Have a blessed day? Have a blessed day. It's like fuck yo, and I got one of those this morning as I left work, I was like, Okay, thanks. Bye. Oh, didn't ask for it. Yeah, I had somebody go to your door today and want to give us a blessing. Oh, your door. Yeah. And yeah, and we're not even in like the Bible Belt. But I mean, we're in Ohio. So it's not like not far and it's in Columbus. So it's a city but so these people knock on the door and I hear them go there. I think they're gay. And then the one guy said that Yeah, I have it on video because there's a like, welcome mat that says All are welcome with like a rainbow stripe. And I see them I see like Christ on their shirt. And then I was like, No, no, thank you and they're like, Oh, they got offended. I was like, I don't want your blessing bitch. Like, I can't. I wish Mormon missionaries would come to my door. I'd be like, Oh, I would love to convert, would you like to come in? Come on and take off your wig. Oh my god, that would be scary. Oh, I would love it. So tell us a little bit about yourself. First of all, I want to talk about the non binary like you being non binary. But also I want to talk about Hollywood. Okay. I also just want to talk about just like everyday life because I swear to God, I love your rants so much. So I want to like give you some topics to like, like a one word and then you tell me what you think about it. But that's okay. Let's start with you. Who you are as Christopher who's Christopher. Well, I'm a little can we correct We can curse, correct? Oh, I mean, yeah. Oh Fuck yes. Fuck. I'm like a little faggot boy from this little town outside of Las Vegas called Boulder City. It's where Hoover Dam is. Oh, I love that. Yeah, so that's where I grew up. I grew up in that little teeny tiny town and I just will never forget when I got out of school, I just thought I never being treated this way again, and I'm never being like, picked on or bullied or anything because I mean, being a queer person in high school, as you I know, is Jim who came out first. Someone came out later in life that came out first. Bobby came out and 29 Yes. Okay, so one of you came out like way later, I came out when I was 15. And when I came out, I mean, my mom was a professional tap dancer and my dad had a gay best friend growing up. So when I came out, it's very dramatic. It was very much like, I got a C on a report card. And I thought I'm gonna tell them I'm queer because it'll not get me grounded. And it was this two hour debacle of me sitting in a corner being like, I just can't tell you guys I just can't tell you guys. And finally I said it and both my parents were like, okay, we've known you were gay. Since you were three years old. Like, you would literally, we would find my mom shoes underneath the bed like you were doing grad shows like, you're okay. But you're so grounded. So like, see? Yeah, so like, that was my big like, I was like, I was the only one that didn't know type of deal. A lot of us do, like, I hear these people that are like, Oh, yeah, it was just like, Oh, I came out as like, bisexual and my parents were like, Okay, I'm like, No, my parents were like, ready to fill. They were like, fit. Sit down. We know something. We know. I know. Like, just, you know what, though? I gotta say my parents like we I grew up in a very me and my family is really good now, but we weren't growing up. And it had nothing to do with being gay. But it just had everything to do with my parents had four of us and I was the oldest. I was like the test. And I got all i got shit on the whole time. So like, we've come a long ways, but every time I like think back about like how awful it could have been coming out because I think a lot of people don't like my ex boyfriend who I was with for 10 years, his parents were awful. They put him into a convert conversion therapy place. It was bad news. And my parents were just like, Listen, this is who you are. My mom literally said you were born this way. And don't let anyone fucking tell you anything differently. Yeah, I'm so very grateful that I was able to sit for two and I kind of look back at that the same way. I was like, it could have been better, but it could have been a hell of a lot worse. Like, I didn't go to conversion. Totally. I mean, and I never went to like, I mean, he went in. I don't like to talk. I mean, I don't like talking too much about him because of his story. We're not together anymore. But I mean, he went in for a month and it I mean, we were together for nine years after he got out and it really did fuck everything up and his parents are very like upset that they did it but they were Super Christian and you know, I'm just I'm very grateful for what I was given now looking back, you know, yeah, I totally can can see that for sure. You came out gay and then So did you always even at you're an actor so did were you in like school plays and all that like we're always in like drama. Yeah I was in theater. I am bit I'm a writer like I mean that's kind of that's why I moved to LA I move to pitch a TV show with a partner that I was writing with and we got pretty far but I mean Hollywood's a hard business so I ended up started doing background because it was like an easy way to make money out there and it got me like around so I guess the long answer is no, I don't I don't consider myself an actor. I if I got to play like who I wanted to play and like write my skits and do that. Yes, I would love that. But I'm not going to be like on the next American Horror Story. Like I just don't have enough like I would work either write about it and be behind the scenes then like BNN very interesting. Yeah. So when did you move out to LA? Um, it was like off and on like four years ago. Okay, so moved out there a couple years came back went back and then obviously with you know, the pandemic and everything that's going on right now with these fires is scary as shit. Like, I mean, I'm just talking to all my friends and like a lot of people have left so I think I was one of the first because I am like, totally this person that full on always thinks the world's ending, like do can I? Yeah, you cannot tell me nothing like right when the pandemic started, I thought, Oh, here we go. Here we go. This is it. This is it. I knew it. I knew Yeah. I've been telling all of you and all you've been saying this since you were 12 I'm like bitch, because I know. I knew it. Yeah. So you're not in LA right now. You don't live there anymore. I am not I'm in Vegas. Now. I remember. You guys said something in one of your podcasts you said, I think you guys visited LA and you said however when so nice. We were. Yeah, we were I was actually gonna Yeah, maybe because we were from Ohio. Yeah, and you're visiting, so they were like people treated us really well. Everywhere. It was weird. Well and Jim is six five. That's Bobby. That's Bobby I'm a baby boy. I'm a big boy. Listen baby. Anyone who's six five is gonna get fucking attention wherever you go into like a queer bar I think and he did i do and for i mean i i remember i would wake up next to anyone that was like way tall and I just be like, Oh, here we go. I don't even remember like that was my if I could look up because I'm sick. But if I could look up I'm like, we're going to bed but though not seen on the ones offered like, thanks. Yeah, you were a novelty out there. I was. Oh, Abby, which is like, I mean, it's weird. Um I know what was the worst like terrible like we are the more likely we were like oh no it's like it's like fun for like a cocaine filled like if you want to regret what you did night yeah well we didn't do cocaine oh no I would never do that that is not something I would ever I'm worried about my heart Oh listen it's not I do joke around like I I have been to rehab and all that kind of stuff and I drink and smoke now but yeah before it was like a very like my 20s was I wish there was a camera follow me around because he would have been like a 10 season fuckin Fox the Kardashians. Oh honey I would have give him a run for their money but they wouldn't even Calabasas wouldn't even be something you would have been just me like throwing up in fucking front yards. I didn't know where I was while eating Taco Bell out now would have been bad, bad mad. Your opinion of holly What is that? It's trash box like what would it be? You're like No, no. So I think so I did this thing right where Hollywood shut down. And I think a lot of us as actors writers, you know, I consider myself like a performer like I wouldn't say I'm an actor, but like I'm definitely a performer. I'm definitely someone that you hand me the mic. I'm going to show you a good time type of deal. And I think when we had the shutdown happen, we were affected first, I was on a set March 13 called Angela clean, and we got pulled off the set and then all productions stopped like Hollywood was the first to like shut down because I think there's so many liabilities in that and I don't know I like I said, I was so crazy. I thought the world is ending so I went home to Texas for a little bit and then the next thing I knew I'm sitting here talking about, you know, on tech talk about all these celebrities I worked with good and bad and and then it turned into something. I don't I mean, I don't know. It's bizarre. I literally went and did Everything that they told us not to do. And now I'm getting like traction with a lot of cool things. That's awesome. So the best person to work work with out there celebrity wise. Either on a Ferris or Jennifer Garner. Oh, I can see that. Okay that that's, that's reassuring. Probably Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Garner was so lovely. Oh, she was like, hello. She'd shake your hand that she would make you feel comfortable like on a Ferris same thing. I mean, she was frighteningly skinny. When I was I was like, I mean, bitch. I wish same. No, they weren't. Those two are great. The guy from Aaron Paul. He was great. I did Westworld with him. He was really fun and yeah, yeah. Okay, I just wrapped up season three. Nice of what's world would you think I loved it? I think the ending was a little you know, It was almost expected. Yeah, he threw me for a loop. I couldn't get through it. Oh, really? No. More, but give it another try. I think I watched the best. I think season three had the best female. Yes. Just by things that you can't get me to a movie if it's a guy lead like you can't. It has to be like my question is always like, Who's the female lead? Is there a queer person? Like these are the questions that I have. And I won't go and with Westworld. I thought in in season three, it wasn't the best I do think like season. It still was the best. Yes, maybe. But with that being said the one episode with oh my god tested Thompson. I don't want to give it away because like spoilers ahead. But when she that when the car blew up and she pulled herself out of it. Oh, she's crawling. I was like, Oh my god, here we go. She's gonna light this little place on fire. And then they didn't. I thought that was, yeah, that it wasn't the best season but no, I think they left it open for some some things to happen. Just FYI was one of the faggots running around in the ending when everyone was like throwing shit around in the chaos. You never saw me but I was there. And then I was also in the first episode, we filmed for fifth teen goddamn hours at night. And the set was this amazing sex club and we were all dressed, provocative. And then when I saw it in the episode, it was literally 30 seconds. And I could show you where I was standing for 14 hours. And I was like, Oh, look, there's my shoulder. Oh, yeah, that's my shoulder right there. Yeah. Forgot they tortured us. Oh, what do you even do during it? They keep making you do the same shit over and over or what happens? Yeah, so it's pretty much like I've been with HBO and usually is it a HBO Showtime any of those? You don't want to book them because it's usually like night shoots. It's usually very grueling. They don't give a fuck about you. They don't care about you. But I mean, you're just happy to be there I guess you know, right. make some money. Minimum Wage but yes. Okay, so what's the cute picture I'm looking at of you to someone has the flowers in front of them. That was Jan's hiding and then you giggling Yeah, I'm always laughing. It has nothing to do with marijuana and nothing at all. So we talk about your the best people you've worked with who are the worst? We got to know who's the worst? Yes. Elon, besides Elon which we need to talk why Tom Cruise was Yes. Is the like four foot nine like I mean, is it so I was told to, to not I was not allowed to go within I want to I want to say it was six or feet of him. I wasn't allowed to be around him because I was too tall. Like that's what I was told. Oh, yeah, ridiculous. And he yelled at another actor in front of everyone. I'm embarrassed him stormed off set and then came back and tried to like recover from it. I mean, we were all in shock though cuz I had never I mean, I've been doing that for a while but I had never seen anyone act like that. On top of it being Tom Cruise but let me tell you something's his stand his stand in the person that comes in and like, does all the shots beforehand he comes there was so fucking hot and look like him like 20 years ago. I was like, baby, put him in the movie. Like get this bag out of here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, we were filming. Oh, yeah. scene in Top Gun gets me. I mean, that's what I knew I was gay. Probably. Um, I've jacked off to that so many times. Same. It's delicious. Well, that doesn't surprise me To be honest, but Yeah, oh god Scientology's like horrifying. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the, the place it's interesting because they have one of my friends lives right by the Scientology like hub and it's like this big blue ugly building. Um, so whenever we would drive by we'd have all the windows down and be like Blink if you're Okay ladies. We also wanted to know when when did you know your non binary? And like how did that process come about? So that came out when say, I don't know, Sam Smith was the first person that was kind of like, he was pretty. I was surprised he was vocal about it. So that's when I googled it and looked it up. And so I thought, well, this makes sense to me. Like, I've never felt like I fit in. I think where people get confused. And and this is like, the conversation I have a lot with people is that sexual identity and gender roles are not the same thing. So The fact that I'm queer, has nothing to do with the fact that I'm non binary. You know, I think a lot more people are gender non conforming or non binary than we might think to be, you know, it's just not something anyone's talking about at this point. For me, it's like, it's just, I'm somewhere on the spectrum in the middle, like, right now I have facial hair, I don't want to shave it. Like I like the way I look with it. I enjoy wearing guy and girl clothes, but there are times when I love to dress up, you know, and then there are times, um, and I also think people get confused with trans so they hop right to like, so are you trans? Yeah, and in a perfect world for me, and I hope I'm not speaking out of ignorance and to all my trans like, fellow brothers and sisters, but I I would be like, I would prefer to be a woman honestly. But to me, I don't want to like cut my dick off. I don't want to have to shave all the time. I would love to do Just walk outside and like be able to like carry purse and like not have anyone Look at me weird but I'm too fucking thing for that you know what I'm saying? Like I can't I wouldn't be able to like do what these courageous people do all day long you know? Yeah I see that yeah like appearance doesn't necessarily relate to your gender identity when I think too like for me like doing Hollywood it's very I hate to say it but like the way I look gets me far sometimes. So like for me to change the way I look so drastically would just be you know, difficult. Maybe in another life. I'll come back as like Mariah Carey or something. I'd be great. those tests. I mean, oh, baby, don't even get me start. I love her girl. She is my co Wayne baby. You know the nine. That's Whitney, baby. Oh, wait. I'm so bad. You are a bad guy. He is a bad Again, Well, too bad. Does that answer the question? Because I was nervous about? Well, no. And I, we just, I've never really talked about I've talked about it to people around me like, with my mom, like, she says, Son, so I make her say child now, it's, I think it's also hard for us to kind of figure out what is is is good for us, you know, like, correct what triggered me is like when I get around guys, especially with the work that I do, and I'm around a group of guys, they talk to me and you guys know this way differently than they would talk if girls were around, you know, the whole like, locker room talk. Oh, my life well, and I can't the dude, the bro the man. I that's what really fueled me to start talking about this because I thought I would rather you call me girl. Yes, ma'am. All that kind of stuff. because number one, it's funny to me. And number two, it makes more sense than when you're calling me. Like when I'm on Grindr. Some guy hits me up. He's like, What's up, man? I'm like, bitch, not my dick. Okay, moving on. That's like a red flag automatically for you. I'm not doing that. Because it's, you know, it's hard enough to like explain what non binary is with the straight community. But in the gay community, we are so overthrown with like toxic masculinity, just in the gay community, that it's even hard to talk to queer people about what I'm talking about, because they're just like, oh, they want attention or Oh, this right? No, it's like, you sit there and put on your Grindr profile. No fat. No femmes no Asians. Oh, you Who the fuck are you? Yep. Well, a racist and basically everything when they hate themselves, right. It's internalized homophobia. Yeah, massage. Like we just, we. We've talked about that before the no fat snow fans like, it's like, Why are gay men so afraid of femininity, and it's rampant. It's rampant in our In queer culture, so, I mean, to be honest with you, I was one of them. I mean, personally like, the way that I would look on Grindr and shit, it was like I had my type. And that was it. And I was not very, but it was me being closed minded and not Yeah. And then also being so afraid to be like, are you mask, like I was that guy. It's horrible. Like, it's horrible. And looking at it now. Like, as I've grown, and as I'm getting older, and like, obviously, after you come out, like you become a lot more comfortable, whether you do it 15 or 29. Right out, you're a whole different you're like yourself. So once you start discovering that, I don't know, it changes sort of, like before I came out, I was more like, oh, bro, or Oh, straight, curious. And now I'm like, well, you're a good person and you're hot and it doesn't matter what you like, or how you talk or anything like that. It's really just about you. Right? So we're gonna have your arms are they then they're right. It's very, I'm still figuring it out. And I think that's something like I'm okay with. Yeah, like totally. It As a writer, I understand why they them is something and I get that we need to do it but like as a writer, it's grammatically incorrect to me. So it's hard for me to call myself as a them now with that I don't want people coming at me saying, Oh, my I, I support it, I support it. But what I'm saying is for me, I would rather be called Christopher like, I don't need a pronoun, really to like it. In a great world. We wouldn't even be like worrying about you know, what, how we act or how we dress what colors that we want to wear. Interesting enough to like, because I think full circle like coming out as gay and coming out as non binary are two way different things. And when I came out as non binary, I started to reflect on like, when I would go on dates, and I just remember I would like tell myself like, Don't cross your legs. Don't move your hands too much. Yes, don't overly talk. Don't do this. Don't do that. And I would get these like hot guys. Like these hot masculine guys, and I get second and third dates and I get them in bed and then I start acting like myself, and everything would change. And for me it was like, it's wrong for both of us because I'm lying, right number one. Now I'm lying because I feel like I was pushed to lie, but at the same time, I'm still lying about who I am. And I don't remember what the number two is. I've been doing that a lot lately. I always forget things to it's fine. Yeah, I don't know. That's why I just look at Jim. I'm like a bull's eye saying, No. Well, I know. That's true. I think I think we're taught to fear that stuff. So it's like I I get attracted when we're taught to fear and everything. Yeah. Which is like we live in a very fearful like, if you don't get married, if you don't, you don't fit this if you don't have the right car. If you don't have this if you don't have a briefcase and scented candles and an area rug and all this kind of stuff, like you are not going to fit in. And it's just so funny because I have so many friends that are like fitting in and the fucking miserable and I'm the one like running around doing out whatever I want but like I'm making something of myself. I'm trying to figure it out. You know, I just think sometimes I get I don't know. I feel very like alone in a lot of aspects but it is what it is. You know just feel alone though sometimes I think that's creative people feel that way. Transcribed by https://otter.ai