This is Not About You - Foster-Care / IVF

Speaker 1: 0:02

She's not doing so well. She's not doing so well. Send your questions and get advice. Bobby and bugs, they're really nice with new topics. Every week is everything. And LGBT, she's not doing so well. She's not. So,

Speaker 2: 0:45

hello everybody and welcome to another episode of She's not doing so. I'll, I'm Bobby, I'm Jim. We're so glad you came back. Please, please stay with us. But who do we have here today? Have a guest guest. Do you wanna introduce yourself?

Speaker 3: 1:00

Hey everybody. Hi, my name is Carrie and I am the OGT.

Speaker 2: 1:06

Oh Wow. Is He? Oh Gee, no. Well, there's a story. Here's the story. Hey, how did he meet? So we met, my cousin got married in Atlanta and I moved here from Atlanta and it's only been like a month.

Speaker 3: 1:21

We already forgot a super important part, which is that your cousin is my college has, right, right. So I don't even know of carry. Well, did I know of you or you're, you're actually horrible. You need to just tell her that. Okay. Just, hello? My college best friend is Bobby's cousin. Okay. So when Bobby was moving from Atlanta, I'm just like, that texted me and said, hey, my cousin is moving to where you are. Oh, okay. So can you be friends with him? Basically?

Speaker 2: 1:54

Basically. Oh, cause I, like I said, let's start her friend. I didn't know anybody,

Speaker 3: 1:58

so I Facebook message Bobby and said, hey, let's hang out. And he blew me off for like three months.

Speaker 2: 2:05

Oh, that's always learning about the boys in town. Craig, craigslist, you were learning about trying to figure out my life. Wait, were you out then? No, this is my discover days. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3: 2:16

So, uh, he finally, you know, we were messaging back, but he would just like go see, oh I'm sorry it's late. And it was like two o'clock. It was bad. I was, as I was being like shy, don't be such a, I know I was a bitch. Like I was in a different zones. It's true. Gem Judgement Pass. Wow. Just kidding. Anyway, we lived in the same city, however we ended up meeting face to face in Atlanta at her wedding. Was it awkward? No, no. It's actually amazing you for okay. No, it was literally come out first. Yeah, you got to call that out. Yeah, I did. Don't worry. But we had the best weekend. It was so fun. It was so fun. It was an instant click. Like we took a picture of the first night. We're like, oh, we're going to be best friends forever. I, it was very, but of course

Speaker 2: 3:00

at that time I was like, she's Kinda hot and she's kind of awesome. Oh my God. I think I'm like, oh, she's so cool. Way. Right. I was, this was my[inaudible] Carrie was my final straw.

Speaker 4: 3:12

You know, I'm not even sure I really know that. No, I did it, but, so let's kind of fast forward a little bit. So we come back to Columbus. We become like weirdly obsessed, like together 24 seven just friends. Yeah. Yeah. Just me would never,

Speaker 2: 3:26

oh, okay. The way he was like, no, but am I getting married? Oh, okay.

Speaker 4: 3:32

No. So just friends you would like just, we would like go to cornfields and take random Instagram, like photo shoots and we were like 27 it was weird. And we thought we were cool. Um, anyway, so one night, actually I know what day it is, if it's okay to say yeah, it was the day of, oh somebody's bridal shower, baby shower. Oh is Megan's baby shower. Okay. And we were at your apartment and we were like trying to facetime in cause we couldn't go. We face time that ends whatever. We ended up like eating dinner, we ordered food or something and then we were sitting there and Bobby's like I like you. Yeah, I think I have like I was like I'm kind of into you.

Speaker 2: 4:08

I was being very bold cause I think I asked people, I was like, what do I say to her? Like I kind of like, I think I was asking Maggie[inaudible] sister and my sister, my sister, she's like Bobby, just ask her. And of course there I am like why do I say like, I mean

Speaker 4: 4:22

hi, I'm kind of end hill. And I said no, I go honey, you'll get over it,

Speaker 2: 4:27

honey. Count. Did you honey count? Take a drink. We just said honey. And then we set it three more times. Everybody drink, Huh? Oh wait. So did you know at the time like you could tell that he didn't like the women? It was something different. Like what did he mean?

Speaker 4: 4:42

Okay, wait. So let me tell you, let me answer that question in like kind of a broader way. Not necessarily. However, when he did come out to me, he said, I have something to tell you. And the first thing that I said was, are you gay?

Speaker 2: 4:55

And I was like, Oh, you knew deep down she knew and I, he goes, no. Did I say no? It's okay. Maybe you said no and then you go, well you were saying like you didn't know what to say to her, but you were on craigslist at the time, so you know what you did. Like you knew what she did like I did and I knew it was coming to, uh, coming to a head. I like saying that, but I, yeah, so I told her like, you know, she told me like, oh honey, little uh, sorry, hung out. Um, but I was devastated. Damn. I'm taking a tally. So I was devastated. I called my sister and I was like, I'm never gonna find anybody like Ooh. And meanwhile I knew it was really happening. It was, I'm never going to find a woman kinda like uh, like when Ryan West was here, he was talking about how that one one middle like change him and like it would be all over. And I was kind of hoping that was the case cause we clicked so well. It was like it's Kinda gross down. I think about it cause she's like the female me and I'm the male her basically. I feel like in a nutshell we're very, very similar in the way that we speak, the way we

Speaker 3: 5:58

communicate and all that. So I drink a little more but she can, she can hold him. She can handle it to not the white calls as much as you are. No, I feel like why? Cause her just can sadness like listen, oh wow. I drank during the day. I feel like I want my alcohol to be like something I need beer or that drunk. Right. It's like a good way to do and you can hydrate three of those. And it's like totally do, but when I'm going to drink, since I don't do it as often as my buddy, my bud red, I've been red again. Everything's just drinking for me.[inaudible] thank you.[inaudible]

Speaker 5: 6:51

yes, so we have a story. Yeah, we have a couple stories that we've been reading from the news. So do you want to start with the new one titled Women Eats Wedding Rings and asleep? Yes. I'm really excited about this one title. Okay.

Speaker 3: 7:09

I wish you all could see the outline in my lap right now. Final bullet point of what Bobby's going to tell you because it's really great. It's a good bullet point thing.

Speaker 5: 7:21

Okay, so woman eats wedding ring and sleep. I've never read this before.[inaudible] are you nervous? No, just disclosure. I said there's any little bumps along the road. Also the baseline anxiety, so I'm on Tuesday. Jenna Evans was on a high speed train that was racing down the tracks, her fiance by her side when some quote bad guys appeared. She said there was only one way to protect her. 2.4 karat diamond engagement ring swallow it. So that's what Evans did. I popped that sucker off, put it in my mouth and swallowed it with a glass of water. Evan said in a Facebook post. Then she woke up. Evans was relieved on Wednesday morning that the whole episode had just been a vivid, bizarre dream that she told today was quote, very James Bond. That is until she realized her engagement ring was no longer on her finger. A gastroenterologist promptly performed an upper endoscopy, which is the insertion of a small camera and device down someone's throat. Evans wrote that she began to cry as she signed the release forms for the upper endoscopy, fearing she would die during the procedure and not get to fulfill a different dream. Marrying her fiance, she survived the procedure and has the ring back on. Now I read this today and I go, Oh boy, I have this 2.4 carrots. That's what I said. Oh boy too. Who the hell is she marrying? Somebody got an achiever.[inaudible] wow. Because she on the way down, she didn't have any trouble swallowing it and that's why she got the ring. Know

Speaker 2: 8:56

I have a fear of like when I'm sleeping, I do these random things too. Like I wear a night guard. I've, we've discovered that I can get, Oh, you grind your teeth. Shocking. Shocker. Um, but I do, and sometimes I wake up choking because I'm thinking I'm dreaming that I'm swelling my, my night guard. So yeah, I wanted to say, yeah, she'll be clean. I'll be like, but not because you're choking on something because your mind is telling me, it's telling me I'm choking. I'm really a think of my baseline, like the first person to choke on nothing. Correct. But it might be sleep apnea. I don't know. It's now. Okay, so it is sleep app not might be, I have a, you have it. I do. I need to get partner anyway, anyway, so I actually have it like you have like a c-pap. He should. He should. I probably should. And honestly, I wake up, like last night I woke up and I go and I like, I jump out of bed and I can't breathe and then I'm like, and I look over at Michael's like, are you okay? Did you stop breathing or like what? And I'm like, I don't know. And I like shake up. I have these weird night things. That's why couldn't I relate with um, our Jenna girl here because I feel the same way. Like she, I guess apparently she sleepwalks a lot and I feel like I do that a lot. And also I pee a fucking ton at night and that's like a sign of sleep apnea. Apparently my grandpa had it, so not really a snore cause I sleep on my side of my stomach, but I'm up here. Non Bed. Well yeah, because sleep apnea and wakes you up and then you're awake and you're like, Oh I have to pee. Right. And then it's every hour and it's like, so I need to get, I don't want to need a sleep. No, I don't want to tie pad. Have you do it? Yeah. Have you had those tariffs on? My brother's done it a bunch of times. And you got decent answers from at sea. You should do it. Reaching your goals somewhere to sleep. That's his free because they want your data. Yeah, you need it. Fine. Maybe I can talk like, wow. Three you're having a sleep study. I could bring it. I'll bring the podcast with us. When you choke on nothing, you're just sleep apnea. You can record episode walk please. Peconic or are bad. I might go to sleep. Fine. I'm recording. This is another[inaudible] honey. That's too well. Oops. Okay. All right. Right, so onto the next one, the next story. This one, I just want to apologize in the beginning because I have no idea how to say these two names. Just I'm blank and blank. QVT a same skeptical, same sex couple from Maryland are suing the State Department over it's refusal to grant birthright citizenship to their infant daughter Cosette who was born via surrogacy in Canada. The fathers say their daughters being denied the birthright citizenship because she is entitled to as a child of American parents because her parents are same sex married couple, the KVD family joined other same sex couples and a string of lawsuits accusing the Trump administration. I'm enforcing the immigration and nationality act in a way that disenfranchises same sex. Parents who use surrogacy abroad. Quote, surprisingly, the officer wrote surrogacy on our application and since then it's been a chase

Speaker 5: 11:54

of us trying to get a reply from the State Department. Blank DVD set in appearance Friday on MSNBC is Andrea Mitchell reports. Indeed the commedia case is not unusual. Immigration equality, a LGBTQ advocacy organization is now leading the legal effort for four separate same sex parent families whose children were denied the birthright citizenship automatically granted to the children of heterosexuals. We are a family just as much as your family as ours. We held our daughter first the moment she was born. We were there at her birth. KVD said, we are a family by every definition and we refused to let anyone, any government official tell us otherwise. Aaron C. Morris, the executive director of immigration equality, call it the legal cases part of the ongoing fight for marriage equality. Despite the supreme court's landmark over Befell v Hodges decision

Speaker 3: 12:43

in 2015 burger foul. Oh God, that was coming. That was like a major case in our towel. He's from Cincinnati. I know he's from Ohio. Burger fell by the way. You're acting like you were there. Like I know like he knows a burger. Foul first pride. He was the headmaster here. The first proper. The first pride. Average decision. Yeah. Okay. I was like

Speaker 5: 13:07

25 2015 honey don't, don't come at me. Oh, okay. Anyway. Wow. We'll say his name right batch or June 26. Okay. Come at me. Um,

Speaker 3: 13:16

does this story ever end? No. Anyway, this is okay. That's essentially the same size.

Speaker 5: 13:22

A couple had a adopted child through surrogacy from Canada and she's not, does not have birth right citizenship. Whereas apparently Heterosex sexual couples can get a child through surrogacy from anywhere and automatically have birthright citizens.

Speaker 3: 13:37

Did this story say whether one of the men is her biological and didn't and that's, I feel like that matters. I feel like it is too. Probably not. It shouldn't. You know what I'm saying? If they, if they have all the paperwork done either way, but I'm curious if one of them, I don't know and I think

Speaker 5: 13:52

would matter. Right.

Speaker 3: 13:57

It depends. I mean there's a lot, there's a lot of lawyers involved in there with surrogacy and adoption. Immigration. Meanwhile, this poor girl is on the other like trying to be able to just taking care of her right now is what I want to know. Canada, I mean, I don't know. Do they have like a, just like Canada, the country for same sex couples still has the daughter. It's just that she's not a citizen yet automatically they there with her. But in Canada[inaudible] are you shading? They're in Maryland. They're assuming because this is an exit or why, but you did a shitty job. I mean, yeah. This is not even like, well this is a segue into what we were talking about today and I fucking found it and I'm sending, this wasn't even a copy and paste and left. They didn't have it unless they didn't have an editor at whatever website you copied. MSNBC. What do you expect? I mean there were some like absence of commas and I just, I literally was reading that right a very foul cause he's so upset right now. Well that was suppose to be a career

Speaker 2: 14:52

transition out for me. Okay, so that was transitioning into onto what

Speaker 3: 14:56

you tried. I give you like all the points for trying. I know, but I think we should do is just like cut our losses and just like talk.

Speaker 2: 15:03

Let's move on. Agreed. We're going to move on. So what I really want to talk about was adoption. And I also wanted to talk about why Carrie's here. Because Carrie has some things going on.

Speaker 3: 15:14

Cancer, I mean all the way you started though.

Speaker 2: 15:17

So I want her to tell her story about becoming a foster parent. Oh, I like that. Yeah. So tell us the story, I guess like how did you guys decide this was something you wanted to do? Was this something that you guys thought about for a long time? Like w what goes into starting this process?

Speaker 4: 15:34

So I've always wanted to adopt kids. Okay. But I want to adopt like kids that are a little bit older cause I feel like people who adopt her, I was like, island an infant and they like won't take anything but an infant. And you're like, that's not who needs adopted because they're not having trouble finding people that want an infant. Right, right. Um, so I've always wanted to do that. I had, I thought about fostering some, but then when I married or started dating my now husband, his name is Zach. Um, I found out that his parents were actually foster parents like for years while he was growing up. So at a school I asked him a lot of questions about what it's like to be a foster sibling. I asked is when we asked his parents a lot of questions about what it was like to be foster parents. Um, the good, the bad and the ugly. I was kind of like, tell me the worst shit so that I can make like an informed decision. Cause I don't want to just be like, this is gonna be so fun. Cause like it's not, I mean some days it is, but some days it's not. Um, so the real, I'm going to give you like the bigger picture story cause I think we're going to hit all the points of this at some point in the episode. So hang with us. But yeah. Um, I think that Zach and I at first kind of had a vision of like we have a kid and then will docked in foster and all that. Well, I really want at least one biological kid now I'm gonna be real honest with you guys. My husband has amazing hair. It's like ring lit curly. Wow. And I had the white ass salon and I just want to produce one human with our combined hair. Right. We have great hair. So everybody has what he's called now disclaimer. But when you go to a point, it was great hair.

Speaker 2: 17:16

[inaudible] I was going to ask this because I work with someone who's going through IVF right now and I'm just like, this maybe is too existential, but like, why do people want to have kids? Yeah. Like what's the whole, you know, like really, I'm always wondering, I'm like, well, I want, you know, you're, I want four kids and one Paula.

Speaker 3: 17:35

I feel like people would say shit like that when you have no kids. Like I, we decided we're having four. Like they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

Speaker 2: 17:42

Why do you want to have a kid in the first place? Cause it's not triggered for us to like maybe that's something to do with I think. Are you triggered to have kids?

Speaker 5: 17:50

No, not at all. I have a little trigger but like that's just what's like straight couples do it in weird ways. It's part[inaudible].

Speaker 4: 17:58

My answer is twofold and in neither, neither of the folds are perfect but I'm not perfect. One of them is that I don't want to be like old with no kids. Like I have two aunts who didn't ever have kids and I feel like their lives are so interesting. But also like I feel like in so many ways they're disconnected from things that like they just don't understand anything about the next generation cause they never had anyone from the next generation, like in their house. I think that's, yes. So and also I just look at them and I'm like, oh this is like you don't have anybody to like come over and like right. You know what I mean? And cooked dinner for like moving to college or whatever. I don't know. I'm not saying that that's a good reason to have a kid, but I feel like as an a, when you get older like retirement age, it's like fun to have a kid cause your kids are like also grown up. Yeah.

Speaker 5: 18:49

You have my name, I had two kids and yeah my mom is like obsessed a lot to do

Speaker 4: 18:53

great and I get along way better with my mom now than I ever did. Yeah, I agree. So having kids,

Speaker 5: 18:58

it probably gives you new ways to appreciate yours. There. Is your question saying is there something inside of them that just like burns all, I mean the only reason we're here is because of like this biological drive to reproduce and have kids. But it's like I think because we have higher functioning and brain and we can think through these and we're very logical creatures I think. Is there a logical reason to have kids? Like is there some other reason other than biology? Why we have kids?

Speaker 4: 19:26

I think a lot of people, I think kind of what you're sideways getting at is that so many people do it just because that's what they think you're supposed to do. And I think you're right and you're absolutely right. I think that like I just have like, I just want to like I being around my nephews, I love them and I will tell you now that I've had our kids for a little while and we'll get to that. Um, there's really nothing like when a kid makes a step like changes for the better somehow, right? Yeah. And it's like, Mommy look, or like, yes, Mommy. And they want to show you,

Speaker 5: 20:03

like they make an observation that you're like, wow, I knew that. But like I've never thought how cool that is.

Speaker 4: 20:09

So that was my second fold just for everyone's[inaudible]. So you don't feel like you didn't get the end of that is just like, there's really nothing like that moment when you feel like you completed something for them or like you brought something to them,

Speaker 5: 20:20

to the table. Yeah. Well that's what I think. I think some of the, I think the best thought is that we pass on our ideals and our values to our children. And so there is something to go forward into the future. We have made our mark in it

Speaker 4: 20:36

and shaped the world. That's kind of also what the other reason I wanted to have at least one biological kid is like, I mean you guys could take or leave me, but my husband is just like amazing. He's so kind.

Speaker 3: 20:48

He's so nice. He's patient. He's super smart. Oh my God. Well I just want another Zack running around to y'all as I just want to be with his hair and his personality. So, um, I want to listen. She's getting Brownie points right now. I know you really meet. Someone wants a hot tub. Oh, party or hate hot tubs with them. Same Earth. They're too hot. Too Hot. I can put my legs in. Yeah. Okay. We're going anyways. Sorry. So anyways, back to, thank you Jim. Oh, I just need you to be a little more into the[inaudible] into the mic. Sorry. Into the mic. Here we go. We're back. We're back. But where are we back to? I know where we are. Thank God. I'm kidding everyone. I'm going to keep this episode[inaudible] the last one went off the fucking[inaudible]. I love you guys. And Manji was something else that I think Manji is a fun stuff. That episode, like we knew going into her like, oh boy.[inaudible] he comes on, it's like fractal lization[inaudible] and I was like, I'm not following. I know Shag might[inaudible] know I'm too scared. I preach. I'm a white projecting[inaudible] God bless him on g, what are you not presenting? You feel like you need an outline. See if he can even do the first bullet. I don't think I could as Mike. So speaking of keeping things on track, sorry. So, um, anyway, we started trying to have a kid and it didn't work. We tried for a year and it didn't work. And so because my gynecologist was just like, even healthy couples can take nine to 12 months to get pregnant. So like, I won't even see you about this for 12 months. They all say that. And I was like, bitch, I'm like 33 and not that I'm saying my body sold him baby. I'm saying like, I'm just like, what are we doing here? Right. How do I have a weird question? I'm just gonna Interject real quick. How does it feel like as a female and had to always be told like safe sex and protect yourself and be all worried about protecting yourself and then to not be able to get pregnant. Is that someone that like fucks with your head? Let me tell you that when you spend your entire life trying not to get pregnant, like desperately trying not to get[inaudible] at every turn and then suddenly like, I'm not even kidding. The first time that we had unprotected sex with the purpose of getting pregnant, I like had a panic attack. I like had to get out of bed and I was like[inaudible] and I was like, oh right. We did that purpose. Um, I, it got better, but it's like, it is kind of a weird, weird, it's a total fuck because also the

Speaker 4: 23:46

world makes you feel like blah, blah, blah. Same sex. And never ever got pregnant. When we talk about this all the time that it's a weird, like they expect you to be able to flip a switch to like mentally like yeah, your whole mind. Fuck yeah, I want to know that. That was interesting to me. Yeah. So anyway, we tried for a while, didn't work and then after that happened we sat down and we're like, well we know that we want to be foster parents eventually cause we had already made the decision slash adopt hopefully. And so we were like, let's just do it now. It's because the, what most people do who are foster and adoptive parents are, they had as many kids as they want of their own and then they're willing to do it. I shouldn't say willing, I mean they want to do it anyway obviously, but like they get their own things the way they want them and then they fostered it up. So I said, why don't we just do it first and like maybe we'll find kids who are in love with or whatever, who knows how this will go. So we decided to go ahead and foster first. Okay. Um, and then like still try to get pregnant, right? Cause my life is still moving regardless of the kids coming and going from my house. But that's kind of um, how we got where we are. And a lot of people are very like, why are you fostering first? Or like, um, a member of my family was super weirded out by this and was like, why are you guys giving up? Like, why are you giving up on trying to have a baby? And I was like, first, first of all, no one said we're giving up. But second of all, even if I was, what if like that's fine. Right?

Speaker 5: 25:11

Small. I've, yeah, I wondered about this because I think when you come from the gay perspective, at least when I first thought of like my future, when I was coming out, it was like, I felt like there's no way I'm going to have kids. So kids are out of the picture. Right. And even if I do have kids, they're not going to be biological. Cause, I mean I'm going to be with a man. So how do you, and then I didn't even think about surrogacy at that point. So yeah. My, so my question for you though, just to bring it back. Well No, this is coming back, but I think, but why does it matter where kids come from?

Speaker 4: 25:43

And that's exactly right. And I want to say that like people have still said to us, people who kind of don't, um, I don't want to say don't get it, but don't think of it. Don't get adoption. I'll just say that they like, don't you want a son or a daughter of your own? And I'm like, if I am to adopt them, like this is my son, this is my daughter. Can't do it. Like you don't under like what do you not understand about this? Right? Like I don't have to, the kid doesn't have to come through my womb. They can come through my front door and there's still my son or my daughter. I posted something to that effect on Mother's Day. So I'll make that up on the spot. I'll be honest.

Speaker 5: 26:22

Well that's in the, but it needs to be said because so many people like, oh my God, I, the person I work with, I'm just going to say it seems like she is obsessed with where the kid is coming from and it has to be biologic. And I'm kind of like, you know, you've been trying for how long and keep trying. Okay, that's fine. But also

Speaker 4: 26:44

are we open to the possibility that you might have a child that doesn't come from your womb? And if you're too proud to do that, like yeah, maybe you're not going to be a mom or maybe you shouldn't be and that's a thing. And you, and you see that a lot. And I, and I totally get, I don't, I don't at all mean to like shame or belittle anybody who wants to have their own kids first. I get it. I honestly do cause like we were, you know what I mean? We were trying to get pregnant. Exactly. But I think there was this really beautiful switch that happened when we decided to foster first because like we got to see parenthood through this lens of like a shit show, like an absolute shit show first. And we were just like, now if we have a baby where doesn't like throw it on the pile with the rest of them, there's no, there's no disillusions about like parenthood being glamorous or like no parenthood is 2007 Britney spears. Okay. Just straight up. Just like, oh you just hope you have enough clothes cause they, Peter pooped on all the other ones. I have a question for people who might not cause I mean, I don't really think I really knew what foster, when a foster parent really was like explained to me what a foster parent does, what their role is. So a foster parent is somebody who parents, a child or children whose biological parents or biological family, whoever they were living with is not capable or fit to care for them anymore and or dies. Okay. Or is it like Rehab, whatever, the transition between possibly being adopted. So there's two ways this could go or typically goes one way and the point of foster care and the way that all foster parents hope that this goes is I'm taking care of you, your kid for now and I want them to go back to you like we are rooting for you. I was not, I didn't know. So I was like, one of my foster mom friends has like a really beautiful story going right now that's very different from where our kids' mom is. But her, her foster daughter's mom like is doing great. Which is exactly how it happened, right? How like she loses her kid and then she's like, oh fuck. I got like, Oh shit, I gotta get this together. And then she does, right? Like she goes to Rehab, she gets a job, she's in this step down program, like a halfway house. And so my friend, right texts or routes are on like this is great. Like, and that's how that's like the foster care. You're like, this is awesome. Watch. Like you love it. And then there's our kid's story, which is totally the opposite of that. But you see like this whole spectrum, but the point of a foster parent is like, I'm gonna be all in and love you like a parent, however long you need me and then I'm going to root for your parents and hopefully send you home. Right. That's the point. Okay. And so when you decided to do fostering, did you say like, okay, I want a kid this age, this, this? Yes. Let me tell you, this actually weirded me out. And Zach, when we were, when you fill out the paperwork to become a foster parent, and this is in Ohio, I can't speak to any other state cause it's different everywhere. Right? In Ohio you can fill out a paper that literally excludes like kids that you won't take for anything down to like dental problems or you can say like I will not take kids with. And it's literally a checklist. It's like eight pages long. Oh my God. It's crazy. So we said we would take up to, we would say, we said we would take up to two kids and we really in our brains were like just one cause we don't know what we're doing. Right. Zach was super like one for sure, but we put up to two in case there was a sibling set, um, ages zero to eight or 10. Any age or I'm sorry, any race? Any gender. Yeah. You can say like, I won't take no wait, listen, and this is why I know that you want to be offended by that. And I get that. And I was too, however, think about this. Like let's say I have like Grandpa Joe over here who's a fucking racist and he's gonna like say Weird Shit to my foster kid. I should probably just not take the Indian kid or whatever. He has a problem, right? Our, our families are amazing. So we just said any race, you know, male or female, zero to eight or 10. Um, and so yeah, but you can pick that. It's very odd, but you can. But some of it is like I won't take a kid with like cerebral palsy cause I don't know how a kid like I only want a gay kid. They're like, Oh sir, I don't, I'm like a teenager. If there's a teenager that's out, I don't think that that's like a check box. But probably, I mean I guess obviously like if there's below five, I mean they don't really, I mean some of them might know but that's pretty teenagers out there that are needing a family and they're like, you know, put on the streets cause when they're kicked out that's should be something we bring up with the board.[inaudible] the board without board. So you picked what you wanted, then what happens? You get a call and they're like hey by the way, yes. So you get a call. Every foster agency has, so this is the way it works in central Ohio. You want one? I'm sorry, we're taking a beer break. Bobby is going to pop up in a, don't tell why I call it, but he's having a, he's having a beer white claw. Your sponsorship is officially cancel. I keep saying honey to was not doing so well. That counts. Anyway, sorry. So in Ohio, the state or the county doesn't train the foster families. Private agencies train us. And then what happens is like, okay, so this is the process from the beginning, something happens, someone calls or whatever, a kid gets picked up from the home, the caseworker picks them up, brings them to children's services. Then the case worker puts together the paper file on like their whole situation. What happened, why they're going into care, how old they are, if they have any behavioral issues, race, gender, all of that. And they put it into a, it's called an echo, which stands for like in dividual childcare agreement or something. I don't know. It's like a package. They send you like a paper. Well like email it though, right? So, um, you have already told your agency, these are my parameters. So what happens is the children's services sends it to all the agencies. The agencies match it to their families who are willing to take a kid in those parameters. And then all the yeses get filtered back through the agencies. So children services and then children's services picks the family. But let me just tell you what should happen. And what they say happens is that they picked the best fit in reality. They pick the very first person that says yes. Wow. So Zack and I said, yes, this is not a joke. Almost 30 times. And they did not pick us, which is fine, whatever. Like I'm not, yeah, I'm just saying like it seems crazy because when I'm saying a two parent household with no other children to compete with great jobs, like everything, right, you'd be a good pen. So we said yes so many times and one of the times actually they called us and said, okay, come get him. And I'm like in my car driving downtown. And then they call him back. Like just kidding. His aunt is here to get them instead. So we had one false alarm in the middle before we got our kids. So that's the kind of like the process. So then you get the call for your current kids the night. So what happens? What's the story we were, I feel like I can't say the area of town because fucking over being all weirdly secretive about where we are. Um, we were in an area called Clintonville and we were at all, so I, I just made it up for that real wow. It's like Oz. Cool. Um, so I was there, I'm was trying to start a business at the time or was starting business called mission market, which will hit later. Um, and I was having my very first show for this. I was, you know, selling stuff and displaying things at a show and we got a call about these kids and so they sent over the three. It goes for us to look at. Zach was with me at the show. Right.[inaudible] yeah cause I thought you said yes to up to two. Yeah. That was the plan. So they said listen, okay, I'll get there. Right. So we got it. She sent it to me cause the, okay. I said that whole thing about the parameters, the people at the foster agents, he's like, give very few folks about your parameters and they will send you shit. They were sending me like[inaudible] like they don't, they don't care and they send you a sh all kinds of shit and you're just like, am not really equipped to have like a 16 year old with a kid.[inaudible] yeah. Foster or not foster grandparent or however old I was 34. Oh my God.

Speaker 3: 35:39

Wow. Grandma went right to grandma.

Speaker 4: 35:43

Um, so she sends me these echoes and I, you know, I'm looking at my phone and Zach's asking me and I said, they seem fine, you know, they seem like no totally normal kids. I was like, but there's three instead of two and Zach goes,

Speaker 3: 35:55

hopefully strong, we will likely use a little tipsy. Sure. Just talking to, and he looks at me and goes, they never pick us anyway. Just say yes. Yes. You're like, I'm starting a business. Yes. 31 time. Sure. So I text her back and I go, we'll take them like, and I put my phone away cause I was like, never, she never going to take me. And it's on the way. If you get here first you can keep up hurry. Um, and so

Speaker 4: 36:30

she, I get a call like three minutes later,

Speaker 3: 36:34

I'm totally[inaudible] so, um, I mean I need you to come pick them up. And I was like, sorry. No, I meant no, I misspelled[inaudible] Oh my God. Siri. Correct. So,

Speaker 4: 36:55

um, we panicked. So this is actually show with your previous guests, Ryan West. So it's like what was with uniquely ordinary, his, his, um, nonprofit. So I, he, and Ryan's a good friend of mine, so we, I went over to him and I told him what happened and he just goes, okay, just go. So like I left all of my shit there and there was just, I mean, like I had so much and Ryan at the time drove a smart car. Like, you cannot fit anything in a fucking[inaudible].

Speaker 3: 37:18

I know I've been in, I've been in the trunk of a smart car to try to make me get in a smart car. P s by the way, I rode around in a trunk check on my back. I mean it's behind the two seats. Not a real trunk. But anyway. What were you doing? Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. No, we're in the, on the going home and we had three people and only one smart car. So do the math quick. 15 minute ride. So you tucked in the back. I couldn't tie what was tucked. I couldn't talk. You could never talk like I can. They made me sit down in there. They're like, you can drive. You almost broke the weight limit on time. Scooter last some guy fucking lap. Yeah. So anyways,

Speaker 4: 37:59

take a real quick side note. I just have to say that I had like a really harrowing flashback on my way to your house. As I was driving down this street before I turned there was like, yeah, I mean, my car has probably already been broken into

Speaker 3: 38:14

three times five. Yeah. At least. Oh listen, listen, I hope this[inaudible]

Speaker 4: 38:20

like under a tree cause I was the only,

Speaker 3: 38:24

um, excuse me. This is not up for discussion. Yeah. There's no parallel parking spot in my entire life. Isn't your car paid in public? I'm not doing it. It's camera. Yes. No, listen, I guess don't. Hell No. That's how I park all the time

Speaker 4: 38:43

that I simply don't have[inaudible] so anyway, I was driving down this street over here and this girl who was wearing like nothing but also a fanny pack was just like roller skating. Didn't even stop the stop sign. Just like roller skates right across the street. And I don't mean roller blade cause I feel like those are getting cool again. Like see my little neighbors four wheel roller skating. I was like, is this 1992? Well I mean this happening. All kids aren't doing that now they're doing that and they're also wearing scrunchies. They're wearing all kinds of shit that I'm opinion

Speaker 3: 39:14

mom does like velvet shirts under mom. No, like PTSD from this. Whoa. The other week we saw someone pooping on the side of a house in this area. So that really happens. I wasn't sure if you were going there, but yeah, roller skating. She was skating and pooping. I was like, oh no, she wasn't wearing anything. Was she against the side of a house? Oh No, she was wearing this lady was, no, that's it. She probably don't know why she keeps him there. Heroin, Chinese, fentanyl. No, like heartbreaking and tools. They pretty sure vape pens. Vape pens from Wisconsin. Yeah. Oh No. Oh No. Bobby's been really worried about that. Anyways, so back to foster. You went to find your three children. Well first we had to leave downtown and go back to my house, which is in like a northeast suburb of this far to get three car seats. Oh my God. Obviously they already have money. They were children, children no more than they needed car seats. Age One, two and three. Oh my God. No. Do you have a van? No. Will you put three car seats across the back on this one to have her, because listen, wait, this isn't like, she went from literally just promoting a new business to three top, like a baby. One, two and three. Yeah, like a thing one thing, two thing three and they're like, okay so you should go by the Carnegie. Luckily we had already done our homework and people had given us stuff. So we luckily had three car seats. So needs make you want to fucking drink a white cloth, call your oh no, I bring a beer. Cheetah, Ryan guys, Cheetah. We're up for new sponsorships, rockets, local, local[inaudible].

Speaker 4: 40:56

Um, so yeah, so we went down and got him and I don't know if you guys want like to bring the podcast down with a sad story of picking them up, but like,

Speaker 3: 41:02

oh no, I mean we've taken it plenty of other sad places.

Speaker 4: 41:07

Yeah, go ahead. It's not long. So we got there. I know it was probably almost 10:00 PM at this point. So obviously they're exhausted cause they're still awake there. One, two and three or one, two and three they've used, I mean they should not be awake at 10:00 PM and real quick for the listeners, I'm not allowed to say their names. I can tell you their ages. We're not allowed to say their names. And also, I'm not going to say foster son and foster daughter. I'm just going to say son and daughter cause like it just, I feel like it cheapens the relationship a little bit to constantly,

Speaker 3: 41:38

and this is my gay husband. Right y'all we know. Um, we do, we can do that all the time. Right. I'm in the same sex relationship. Right. And it's like let's just, no shit Sherlock. Let's just say relationship. Just regular. Yeah. Like this is a regular sewer. The time.

Speaker 4: 41:55

Okay. The one year old and the two year old are both boys and the three year old at the time was, is a girl. She's five now. Huh? Nobody I need at the time she was three, so now they're two, three and she just turned five. So when we got there, she, and she has these big eyes to begin with and she was just standing there in these clothes that were like way too small on her, like totally upper body. And this was in the at the end of May, so it was hot out, but like good clothes that were just ill fitting and her hair was like a tangled mess and she just looks up at me and it was just sobbing. But like the thing that was so sad about it was like silent sobbing. Like she wasn't making any noise and it was just like a river of tears flowing down. So the picture in this, no, it's not good. And then the Middle Guy, he was two at the time, he was just like shellshocked

Speaker 3: 42:49

yeah, he's tiny little shell shock. How do you even, do you know how they were taking like Howard, do you deserve the siblings? Right? Are they just like taken out of the House that they were in or like it was like a big traumatic like situation where they're like just left. Are there like cops and lights flashing? And I don't think so. I think they were just taken by the case worker and again, at that point that's a stranger in your life.

Speaker 4: 43:10

Uh, right. So I can't tell you like, I don't know. Oh, I'm allowed to say it. I, I probably shouldn't tell you like their actual story, but I'll tell you like they were with their parents and I will tell you that they were placed somewhere else and got taken from that place and then got placed with us. Okay. So we were like their third home. So that's one of, they're like, who am I and where am I? What is it happening right now? So the Middle Guy, he was so shell shocked. He just sat there and like I asked him, I was like, buddy, you know, do you need a hug? Would you like me to hold you? And he just like shook his head and was just crying. And then the case worker walks up to me and she's just exactly like what you would picture. She's like this heavy set Blakley that and she just walks up to me and goes here and just hands me, just like throws the baby on me. And she gives him tweet. This one year old, he was 14 months at a time, so just over one who was wearing nothing but a dirty diaper literally. And he was drinking koolaid in a baby bottle. No holding a baby bottle of red boy. Oh my click, no 14 month olds should be drinking the Koolaid to the camera. But like who bought her like Oh this is okay as long as I put it in a bottle. Yeah, no, no, I didn't even know that. So, and of course I'm holding this like dirty baby. Right. And I'm like Sigh, you have to sign your life away. Right. So we're like signing these papers so we leave. And I think that like that was the saddest part, but also when we got in the car and my daughter was like are taking me to Momma's house, which is why she calls her her maternal grandma. And I had to IG say like you, no I'm not. You're going to come and stay with me for a little while. And it was just, she was always scared. Like she was absolutely terrified and rightfully so. Right. She was, she was, she just got out of the house. So she got taken to after leaving her biological. Yeah. Which was probably not a good situation obviously cause it got taken from that one too. So yeah. So for the first night, so you had them for, I mean you've had him since then. So I have to say Zach and I were ready like some you'll, and you guys have heard people say this, I'm sure I could never do foster care cause I would get so attached and blah blah blah. Oh yeah, I've heard that. Zach and I were like mentally and physically and emotionally prepared to just be like a revolving door for foster. It's like we were ready for this. We were okay with it. We wanted to like support parents. Like, okay, you're gonna be here for a weekend, maybe you're here six months, but while you're here we have a, you know, one come or go or whatever. Like we were like ready for this. We wanted to help while we were still trying to get pregnant and stuff. And um, yeah, so, um, it's been a year and a half and they have never left my house, so I still have three kids. Oh, that's crazy. So they'd like that. So the one-year-olds been with you longer than he's been with us longer. He's been with anybody. Yep. Oh my son. Well he's, he's two and a half now. But yeah. So when, as a foster parent, like, do you know how long you're gonna have them? Like it sounds like no. Like you might be with these kids for five years and then it's like, hey, they're parents who are ready to take them back or in a place where they can, not because, and it's different say to save, but states have laws about, like in Ohio it's, if you're in foster care 12 of the last 22 months you're s the state files to get permanent custody of you to try to find you a home. A permanent home. Yeah. Okay. So at that point, can you become the permanent home? Yeah. So that's actually a year and a half, like, yeah. And the little man, the two year old now, um, he has actually been in foster care since birth. His story is, he's actually was abandoned at the hospital. His mom left him there because she has, and she has like another kid that we don't even have that's already been taken from her. And um, so when he was born, they were all born on drugs. So when he was born she knew she was going to children's services when they called. So rather than stick around and like lose him officially, she just left. Yeah, naturally. So I feel like that's kind of a shot too. You're like, okay, so in your personal situation you're trying to get pregnant, then you have this woman who's just popping out babies left and right on drugs. Like that's gonna make you feel really fucking pissed. I'm sorry. It actually does. I have to say that is one of the only things that I've repeatedly said to Zach that I was just like, in my moments of like, like fall really pisses, I'll be like, maybe I should just do heroin.[inaudible]

Speaker 2: 47:30

stories. Ridiculous. Obviously will do to take Manet's today. So, cause I read it on a Google, um, Dr and watch macho Dr Google, that's what I used to call myself. Oh yeah. What do you remember about Lupus and whatever else you had? Which Carrie? Yeah, she, uh, I put the video up on Instagram and she goes, I, she heard me say like, hi. Thought I had them asked. Does she ever remember? You're so fucking dramatic. I'm going to call your shit out. Yeah. That's why we're, I already locked up. She calls me out in time, so, yeah. Okay. So now you have these kids. You're still trying.

Speaker 4: 48:04

Okay. Wait, I, I feel like I can't skip what it was like to live this out though for the first 23 years because I feel like we're made to sound like then I just took them in. Now everything's great. Everything fine. I'm ready to do it. Don't know. Ah, well, yeah, actually, yeah. Yeah, I can. I commonly referred to that first three ish weeks that we had them as the valley of shadows. Oh Wow. It was literally like, I feel like saying it was like a shit show or like a mass or like crazy is just not even in the ballpark of doing it justice. It's like you have five people now living in a house where two people lived, three of them have constant needs and they just like, right. Yeah. Um, it, it's a really, really, really hard adjustment. I mean overnight we had to give up like everything. I don't really like everything we love, but like we can't, you can go out[inaudible] home, you have a new business and I was starting trying to start this, forget you left the businesses, not leave out the fact that like I also work a full time regular job so I'm trying to do is right. Pack does too. So we both work so.

Speaker 2: 49:10

Wow. I remember you saying that you, did you take off time at first cause you were like yeah

Speaker 4: 49:13

we had two. Oh my God. Yes. To like there's no way. I think we both took three, maybe four days because we had to find a daycare that we could take three at a time. We had to get them, there's all this paperwork you have to do and then all the people are visiting your house and doing home studies and shit. So, yeah,

Speaker 2: 49:28

that's a lot like I felt, I feel like going right over on a Saturday is a lot. No, this is nothing to get stressed out about going out. Right. Let me tell you, Bobby and I couldn't do this. Oh far right now. Not ever. No, no, not three at once.[inaudible] I could do. Nope, no that's a no.

Speaker 4: 49:43

My Dad's girlfriend said to me recently and I mean like very recently, like within weeks of today, she was like, I just asked your dad the other day like what were they thinking when they said yes to take three kids? And I literally looked at her cause it was like kind of hurt my feelings but also just kind of annoyed me[inaudible] if you want to know what I was really thinking. I was really thinking that they would never pick me. And, and then also once they did pick me, I was thinking that they would never stay this long. Right. Like six weeks now obviously I'm glad that they did and I wish we could adopt them. Right. I love them so much, but I, if we don't adopt them like, like I said from the beginning, we're here like I'm here for that. Like I'm either so are you okay with that? I mean[inaudible] gonna need like therapy. Yeah, that's fine. Or we can do some sodas. Bobby, here's the thing, when people say I could never be a foster parent, it's I'll miss them too much or I'll get too attached. It is not about you. If you're looking at foster care about your emotions and how you're going to feel Namely's backwards. This is about the kids. These kids are in foster care because they don't have a family who is stable. They don't have a family who loves them like normal and they have to have that. And so if you're looking at this like I'm going to be so sad, like then you shouldn't be a foster parent cause you're looking at us backwards. Like you're here to be here for them and love them through this terrible. Can you imagine being them like it's not about you honey. We can have a nice house and everything you could need. This kid just showed up at my house with a fucking garbage bag with a two pairs of socks in it and no, this is not about you. So that was my thank you for coming to my ted talk.

Speaker 2: 51:26

Wow. That was like, I mean, but seriously, it's so this, it's very intense. Like, and I'd say a lot of things that a lot of people don't think about. Like when you're like, Oh, I'm a foster mom. I was like, oh cool. That must be like, you know, and it's like, no, no, no. Like I had to literally take these kids from their their worst and now I'm trying to like, and now you've been with them so long that it's like, I mean, you are their mom and you are, there you are

Speaker 4: 51:47

mommy and Daddy. Now we had, we went through a transition of like, at first they called us Zach and Gary and then it became Mama Carrie and Daddy Zach. And then like we've never told them, we never like forced them to say anything. Um, and after a few months they just, they dropped off the Carrion Zack and they just call us mommy and daddy were just fine. Like whatever's comfortable for them. I don't want them to ever feel like they have to do one thing or the other.

Speaker 2: 52:10

Oh, so in your journey as a wanting to have a biological child with all of this going on, how's, how's that coming along? Is that a question to ask? Is that something

Speaker 4: 52:23

Mani, I feel like going, I sometimes think of you at the fertility doctor because you are so horrified by Vagina.

Speaker 2: 52:33

Oh God. I thought like, I was looking to try and get those eggs to pop out and it's like,

Speaker 4: 52:39

do that. That's not my role at the fertility doctor. Zach's role at the fertility doctor, Huh? Oh No, I mean like Zach Do.

Speaker 2: 52:48

Oh, right. He goes into the con signals. Okay. I'm sorry. I know I was[inaudible] like finger you and get you ready. Sorry. Sorry. Someone likes Zach a little too much. I was just totally, that's what I'm saying. I was in a totally different realm. Um, she, he warms me up and the doctor comes in and I'm like, oh, it's like Handmaid's tale. She's, no, she's really warming him up. Um, which, oh, so you want to really want to know is how do you warm my mom? Is there a fluffer do you need a fluffer? Oh,

Speaker 3: 53:26

I would help get you pregnant or any applications for a fluffer your dog can answer. There was a fluff ran a clinic like, oh, anyway, now that you can know how horrified you are, Vagina Domicile, you are out there. We're gonna rescue you. Bobby literally thinks that women walk around all day and just like leak with an Albertan. I always thinking about the best way to sound really immature. I mean it's moist, but it's not like leaking. I always feel like it's an open wound. No, he literally has vaginas, like giant open wounds that just like that we'll never hear. That'd be like if your mouth was an open wound, right. Ms Open, but it's not a wound, but the way that the vagina is tucked in panties all day, it's just, I'm sorry, I can't, it's probably gross. At the end of the day. I mean, you shouldn't do this right here. Pushing this up. There we go. Thanks. I mean, I don't know. I don't think you just think they're like, you can't figure them out because you don't have one there. I never really want to touch one. Remember the whole movie theater and just was horrified. Like I was like, Oh my God, I'm gonna put like I'm gonna fall in or so. I don't know. It just freaks out.[inaudible] I'm 35 like, okay. I get it. Like Vaginas, a vagina. I'm fine with the, it's just not a 35 year old. I am. He's not. No he's not. I am. If you just show you what a giant map, you wouldn't touch one, right? No, I wa[inaudible] Vagina. Yeah. Oh, that ring finger on me. Any drink that's at least wondering. He kinda said, Hani, let's a separate count. Yeah, take a shot. When you're hearing Hani, so the man man goes, how does sex work? You're like skipping so many sides, man. He comes in the company, they get a base Turner. You'll start first with like, when are we talking IUI or IVF? Neither yet. They're talking about sex. The penis goes into vagina.[inaudible] go ahead Jim. You guys just talk about penis and vagina is, and I'll be back. Jim Seeking a white cloud break. Um, for me one too. Honey is your Rhinegeist already gone? Um, okay. So first they'll give you a bunch of hormones and just have quote unquote timed intercourse. Wow. So then just say like, have sex on these days, blah, blah blah. And that never works. It's a fucking waste of time. Well it's like horrifying to cause like, I'm sorry, I'm tired of it on Monday, but if you're fucking ready to go, I have to get ready to go. It's not gonna work. Neither of us are ready to go cause we're both exhausted from having three kids, three kids. And you gotta fuck now. Sorry. I can like me out right now. Did he say him? Yeah, I think that's the way we wanted to hear me out. I'm drinking cheese. Let's go get a cow. Um, okay. So that never works. So we tried for like once or whatever. So this is like year process of they make you go at the year process. Like the first year you can just pause and then they're like, okay, let's try to do[inaudible]. If that doesn't work then we try it again. Then you start doing IUI, which is also known as the Turkey Beyster. It stands for intrauterine insemination, but it's the Turkey baster. So then I take a bunch of hormones and then they give me, or Zach has to give me what's called a booster shot 36 hours before the procedure to just like

Speaker 2: 56:55

booster shot earlier. Now give me a booster. Okay, sorry. Wow. We're just totally laughing.[inaudible] process. No, we're not. We're just trying to make it light.

Speaker 3: 57:05

No, it's fine. Okay, so you get a booster, so you get a booster shot and then the morning of the procedure, Zack has to go and do his thing there. They give him material for the first time. The other day we've had four ius and for the first time yesterday he just described the scary little room that he has to do this end by cold. And I was like[inaudible] about it. He was like, I'm pretty sure there's only one room cause I've only been in one ever

Speaker 2: 57:31

wait. So they just like lock you in. You're like dom now have fun.

Speaker 3: 57:35

Oh he goes, he goes, there's like one sole white like arm chair white like leather arm chair in there. And he said, but he said they put down like, you know like paper, paper or whatever on it.

Speaker 2: 57:50

Wow. This is like very, I mean this is Bobby's like dream for most straight man. This would not be turned on. I want to be the nurse there yet. They need there. Do you need any help Sir Sir? How's it coming? Do you say you're finished? Okay. Oh you're not done. Oh sorry. All Day privacy. I am not nurse Bobby. You've interrupted 30 different men so we're going to have to fire you. I'm like, you're like, it was worth, that's day one. So many mental pictures. So like did they just like run men through? They're like[inaudible] and you're like, no, like literally. And here's the thing, I take like five seconds to do. No joke that like he schedules four of us for every 15 minutes. But next literally what if you have like, like I'll just get the build? No, the squirting part, he scheduled, he doesn't schedule the chromium Burt

Speaker 3: 58:39

for women for every 15 minutes, a session slot. He was telling me, he's like, and it's just this creepy ass chair and then there's like a sink to wash your hands, whatever afterwards. And he goes, and then there's this like horrible basket of just like porn magazines. He goes, but you know, nasty like all over them. He's like porn magazine. Shoot pop. Yeah. But if you're like a real heavy shooter, I mean the Cup is big. Like real. I promise. It's big enough for, yeah, I promise.

Speaker 2: 59:14

Probably. He's like challenge accepted. Where's this clinic? How big challenge Stepdad,

Speaker 3: 59:23

Heidi, Bobby. Just wow. White cloth out of his notes. No, that was beer. Oh, okay. Kilgour okay, so he'd do that. Okay. So what do you do? So he goes, doesn't think they have to tie back to the men coming. They spin it out. I don't know what that means, but by the time it gets to me, it looks like water. It's, it doesn't really look like jazz anymore. Like take the sperms directly out yesterday. Like, I don't know what they call spin it out is what they say Jim to stir up in his mouth. No one come talk. Now normally Bobby doesn't spin spun. Bobby doesn't spin before he's follows. They'll just take all of it. So, but when they, so when I come in two hours later, this is fun. It's all fun down,

Speaker 4: 1:00:06

fun out. And it's in this little test tube and they have his name and my name on it, but they, like, the nurse asked me, I'm not even kidding five times. Like, what is your birth date? What is your husband's full name? What is his birthday? Cause they like, if they're terrified. Right. Okay.

Speaker 3: 1:00:21

Putting someone else. Yes. Right.[inaudible] ah, this baby doesn't exactly look why. And you're like, oh, I'm fine. Yeah, that'd be devastating. So

Speaker 4: 1:00:37

of an imperfect, I'm Zack fashion. I hope he doesn't get mad at me for saying this, but the first time it's not bad. It's actually good over flood the car. The first time that we did an IUI, my, my doctor came in and was like looking at all the numbers and stuff and he was like, oh, is this right to the nurse? And she was like, I mean, yeah, it came straight from the paper or whatever. And he looked at me and he goes, you go home and tell your husband he has amazing spurt. Oh. Oh. And I was like, Oh God. Okay. He was like 50 million. I don't even know what the fuck them, I don't know either. I don't know what is like the top right? Like your credit score is? No, David[inaudible] can be up to one, I don't know, but 50 apparently 50 million's a lot. You've taken probably 15 million hundred that once one sitting. But the funny part about that is like, I was like, oh, but then I was like, oh, that means I'm the proud.

Speaker 3: 1:01:28

Oh, right, right. It's actually, honestly, I'm like amazing. Like, oh my uterus is fucked. Like it is great. No, you only have their hand in not so much. I mean you gotta shove this way up there. Just getting that to me.[inaudible] you want a hot tub? That's what you say,

Speaker 4: 1:01:48

right? Yeah. So we've like skipping ahead. We've done this four times. Okay. And after you do it every time you have a two week waiting period to see if you have your period, which let me tell you,

Speaker 3: 1:01:57

oh so fun. And you're like nervous, but you're also like, no, you're you to get your period

Speaker 4: 1:02:04

an amazing distraction for those two weeks. Cause I just don't even remember. I'm actually in that period right now. A week from tomorrow. If I haven't had my period, I'll take a pregnancy test. But don't get excited because listen, all three of my previous times, I have even gotten to the point

Speaker 3: 1:02:20

where I get to take a pregnancy test. I just get my periods. Oh, okay. So this brings up a good point. But what are the success rates with IUI? Like 25% it's terrible. If you eat man, stop. Let me tell you why people do this first and why we're trying it. Because IVF is literally$20,000 on the low end. Sorry, what? So a car to make a baby and a test tube shit car these days. Almost a shit car. Like an okay car. Oh good. I was like, Shit. Yeah. I was like, I can buy a nice car for 20,000 baby baby or car baby. Your car, take your pick. Do you want a civic or do you want a boy, a girl, baby boy. The creepiest thing. Okay, so blah, blah blah. We keep doing these[inaudible] and they're failing. No one's pregnant here. No one in this room is pregnant. We'll hopefully you might not, I don't know. Hopefully I am. But also whatever, you know, it's good for the process. Get them used to like embryo. Um, we had it, so we had it our IVF consultation on Thursday morning. So we're like starting to talk about it in case this one fails and then it's that test tube or no, they like throw the baby girl, the baby into an embryo. Right. In a petri dish. I'd ever close has two babies. Kind of in a bad way. But Oh, I've even, no, listen, you Catholic, get out of here with your little Catholic terms. It's just not the natural way. I still love you, but I don't know if I can set up your lifestyle. If the Holy Spirit didn't cause it. I don't know if I like it. So, but let me tell you something creepy that literally stopped me. Episode title check done like no, I already have the episode title. What is it? What's your notes? Read your notes. This is not about you. Okay girl. I see that. I like you. I like the Holy Spirit one. But if that's good to write it down too. And you guys can Duke it out later. We'll just put that in the notes. So we're in this IVF consultation and he goes, yeah. So once we have like we get all these eggs and he talks about this egg retrieval and you do all these hormones and then they do this egg retrieval and all the ones that become like normal embryos. Oh yeah. They test them for all the genes. They tested for all the things and then the chromosomal abnormalities. You weed out the ones you don't want. That sounds fast. You would you be okay with a down syndrome baby? Would you be okay with, you know, it's kind of, it's just like the checklist for foster earlier in the Bronx. So, but then he says also you can then pick if you want a boy or a girl. Well No, and I said like I was, I was like simultaneously astounded and horrified cause like I don't, so you get rid of the ones that I don't want. Right. Like all me honestly, no, they're actually like, it's funny you asked me, you say that because I asked like how many are we allowed to do because yeah, they're actually only allowed to one in there. That's how the octomom yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:05:18

Oh there's like weird laws you get. Yeah. Oh I'm in a lot of this. No, John and Cape will say it works pretty well.

Speaker 4: 1:05:23

They're literally, he actually had a chart on the screen. He like had this whole thing like slideshow wild. He had a, he had a chart on the screen that said like if you're under 35 this is how many I can implant. If you're between 35 and 37 this is how many I can implant if you're over 37 or over 42 like it was crazy.

Speaker 2: 1:05:40

So yeah, what is 72 because I think a woman in India does had a baby that was then they'll put in 25 and[inaudible] was her husband and her husband's and Tufts of care because he had a heart attack and she's an intensive probably while they were having sex cause his heart can't handle it. They did IVF, IVF, doctor Google doesn't know very much that element of up. Hey, I mean dear God, so id you f you did it. Okay. Okay. So we're gonna so as a friend and I want, I want to know this. Yeah. Am I allowed to ask you what your status is? Yes. And I want to say this like, so I love to say like, Hey, Carrie said in a week she'll know if she it out to me in the meantime. Like am I allowed to say oh wow, we're going through. Yeah. And like acknowledge it as opposed to just ignoring it. So like I'm just waiting for the[inaudible] but you don't ask, cause you don't know if you can bring it up. Right. Cause it might have been this devastating. Right. Okay.

Speaker 4: 1:06:34

Stodgy, right. I'm sure for people. Um, my best friend from childhood went through this and actually had a baby thrive. Yeah. Yep. And too, yeah. Yeah. So, um, and it was, it was really hard. It's really hard to watch cause at the time I wasn't going through it right. While I was at the tail end of her like being pregnant and then, cause, so I, I understand that you're not sure what to say, however, I feel like this topic needs to be normalized immediately. I am so tired of the world treating this like I should act like it's an embarrassing secret, right? Like it's not a fucking secret. It's OK. Like, it's not like I took a nice to my uterus and now I'm like, why can't I have babies? It's like, I'm sorry, I don't know. I just live my fucking life and here we are like I'm doing, it shouldn't be as something you're ashamed of. Right. I don't like being gay. You shouldn't be ashamed of that actually. Yeah. And I'm not ashamed. And it is what it is. And Zach and I had a talk before we did this and he was kind of like, well, we haven't told, you know this person and this person, that person, if you go like public. And I was like, but here's the thing. Like I don't owe them any kind of explanation and I don't owe them. Like, Oh, I should've told you first, like this is my life and I don't have to worry about it. And everybody who knows us and is listening to this right now and hearing this for the first time, I love you. And it's totally okay that you don't know what to say. And you're like, wow, why didn't they tell us? But like we just,

Speaker 2: 1:07:59

yeah, you don't have to tell. It's interesting cause I know. Yeah. So then like I said, I'm going to be like, ah, so Hauser,

Speaker 4: 1:08:07

how are things I actually want people to ask because I want you to treat it like it's not weird. Like I wanted to just bring the normal process and just be like, and when I IVF and I'm like a giant bitch cause I'm like taking all these hormones and stuff. I need you to just be like[inaudible] a white claw.

Speaker 2: 1:08:21

Yeah, just skinny white clouds. I'll be fine honey. Hello? Oh actually that's three. We're at a 10 already. I feel like we have more. It's actually lower than I thought it would be. Well this is awesome.

Speaker 4: 1:08:34

I say to people like feel your, let's just say feel your friend now, but feel the situation now. If you feel like your friend does feel like this is an embarrassing secret, like be more sensitive. But if it's someone like me,

Speaker 2: 1:08:46

right, then you should[inaudible] my case told. If somebody tells you, I feel like you should almost ask them like, yeah, do you mind me? Like, do you want me to ask you about this? Do you not want me that? Cause I feel like that's a personal, like it's man, it's like with you, I know like me and you are very, that's why I said at the beginning like she's like the female me, like we're very transparent. Like we really don't hold back a lot. Like clearly. I mean clearly I'm, so let's transition now to mission market. Let's go straight to your business. Cause now that you have three foster kids, you're on IVF and you don't like white car? I do. I know she doesn't. What's the mission market? Posada

Speaker 4: 1:09:27

Oh okay. Mission market is the business that I'm, no, so that I have started, it's started, it's a real business now. Yep. So I taught myself how to do hand lettering and calligraphy probably four or five years ago now. I'm totally self-taught, but it was a super long process. Being self-taught. There's really like, was this during your like wedding? It was, yeah, it was during. I started it during my wedding planning and kind of snowballed from there. And it's just, I started it then, but I realized I loved it and it was like one of the few things that I like really like to do it. It made me happy. Like you making music. Yeah. Um, if do your listeners even know, oh, everybody needs to go on it.

Speaker 2: 1:10:09

The House of brand, we'll be releasing, we'll be releasing some new material material and music videos with me and drag and Jim and drafts. Thank you. Yeah, we're doing, we actually are talking about doing a dragon thinking I want some of this music to get out under the house of bread production company. So anyways, anyways, um,

Speaker 4: 1:10:28

yeah. So it just, it was something I love to do. So eventually, um, I got better at it. I'll not say like amazing, but I started get better and better and people started asking me to do like custom stuff and I had such a fun time doing that that I realized like, I kinda want to like do this. So I spent some money on buying an iPad pro and an apple pencil. And that was when things really changed because then I could make designs digitally, like I could let her them digitally and then just reproduce them a thousand times. Right. Instead of having to do each one just by hand.

Speaker 2: 1:11:00

Do I even think of that new font? Maybe it's a little, when you sent me a proof and you didn't ask for my help, oh, I didn't mean a, I mean I was out of me to have another white call break. Wow. Sorry. This is a little now. I didn't even, but that's the thing. It didn't even like, I'm a creative person too. Right. So I was in the middle of like my creation process. But now looking back, I probably should've said something to you. I apologize. That's okay. We'll collab. Cool. Yeah, we'll clap.

Speaker 4: 1:11:29

So from there it just like, I did suffer people, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I started an Instagram page.[inaudible] significance in the name, not in the way that like uniquely ordinary. How when you interview Ryan, like he has a whole spiel about why he chose that name. Like I just came up with it one day. Okay. Um, and I liked it. And part of it is also that like Zach and I are really serious about, um, our finances going places that matter to us. Right? So like the first 10% of money that comes into us, we give straight back out to charities, missions, things like that. Right. Okay. So 10% of everything that I bring in at mission market goes straight back out to missions. Okay. So, so I give, I give it away. So, and then market is just like, I have a market of stuff, right? Like all the things that I sell. So that's Kinda where[inaudible].

Speaker 2: 1:12:11

Okay. I was thinking that's what thinking too, I want her to get to the, cause I know, I knew you were giving to charity and it wasn't sure how much or whatever. But yeah,

Speaker 4: 1:12:18

and I do different things. Like sometimes I'll give it to a local organization who I'm by suffer foster kids. Sometimes I'll give it to a school that's being built in Haiti, like it's totally up to and make sure that it's like global and local so it's not just going to one place that is so awesome. Genius. Love it. So yeah, that's like the thing that my real job is like soul sucking and life crushing. So this is my outlet of a job I really like.

Speaker 2: 1:12:44

Same as far as me. Oh, find your outlet. It's true because like sometimes you really need creative, especially if you're a creative person and you found something that you loved. That's awesome that you're sharing that with the world. We have a lot of your work in our house. You do and I brought you a new piece of paper. We'll take a picture with it, love it. So, and we'll post them. We'll also post all the links for everything. Jim, do you have anything to say? Mm, I've learned a lot. I have to like, honestly I feel like this was something that, there were multiple points where I was like, oh, I had no idea about being a foster. Like what it meant. I did not know what a process, no, I did not know. I never knew it either. The definition even. Well that's why I was like, let's talk about what it actually really is because I think a lot of people are like, uh Oh foster. That's like an adopt, like you almost think of just adoption. Ours.

Speaker 4: 1:13:29

It's really funny you guys say that because I would say a good like quarter of the people that ask us about it, we'll go, so have you guys decided whether you're going to adopt the kids and I want to be like, no, this isn't up to me. Right? Like this is a trial period. I used to think it was like, oh, we're going to see it anymore. I thought it was you just sign up to be a foster parent under this like foster to adopt umbrella where you can request to only be matched with kids who can be adopted. But that's like a whole other thing. And like it's an, any foster kid that comes in isn't just automatically like[inaudible]

Speaker 2: 1:13:58

Oh, you can pick two. They're not in the custody of the state. Right? Yeah. So my gosh, it's like this opened my eyes cause I didn't know any of that, which is right. I feel zero. Wow. Okay.

Speaker 4: 1:14:09

I want him to say something to like bring this into the LGBTQ community. And so the article that we read, um, talked about weld are, sorry I fucked that off the article. Bobby poorly copied and pasted over and Jim attempted to read, um, and not of any fault of his own, uh, mentioned like just possible discrimination. But I do want to say that legally and technically, at least in Ohio, there are no different requirements for a same sex couple than there are for a couple of just foster or adopt the homos, the homeless co faces the whole way. I was like, why? I was like, no honey. That's where they're coming from.

Speaker 2: 1:14:53

Yeah. Bobby[inaudible] I said the home, the home and last stop. We're going to Redo this whole episode. Yeah. Well I appreciate you coming on. Thank you so much. I definitely, we're definitely gonna have you on again. Clearly. Yeah. Hopefully next time I'll be pregnant. Oh, when you're pregnant, we'll have you on walk, but you can watch us drink. Yeah, I'll count your white claws in your honeys. I'll do the towel. That's awesome. Oh wait. So if you're listening to this website and you guessed the right number, maybe you'll get a prize and if it's actually 11, then go ahead and tell us. Cause it's my account. I might be wrong as well. We have an editing process. We'll figure it out. Um, all right. I think this is called drink more weight clause. We'll just get drunk. Good process. But it works. The process is so fucked. I love you guys. Thank you for letting us come in for an hour. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, it's very interesting. And there's been a lot of people that really benefit from this because there's a lot of people who have reached out. Even the episodes that I think, the ones that I think I'm like, oh you know, like who knows if this is going to really speak to people. People were like, this was amazing. And I'm like, yeah, okay. So this is going to touch somebody in some way. And you probably help somebody. I hope so. And if anybody's like,

Speaker 4: 1:16:08

oh I have questions about being in foster care and because there's so much more to it or adopting or IVF or infertility or whatever. Like get put my stuff up there. Yeah, I will put the links out and we'll, we'll get, make it clear how you can get ahold of it. Cause I will say like there's two people in my life right now, my best friend that I mentioned that went through this before and a good friend of mine who is going through it like alongside me. Like she's at the same stage. You can not do any of this shit without somebody to talk to. Right. So like you, I will find you somebody to talk to. Cool.

Speaker 2: 1:16:38

Like it. Awesome. Thank you guys for listening again and yeah. Yeah. We'll talk to you next time. Next time. Next time. Three weeks in advance. No. Oh, okay. By just adding one last one. Oh Wow. Y'All are fucked. Have a great evening and a good week. Bye. You needed a great, great and a good week. Oh Daniel is. We trashed that up. You're going to have to like just bleed parts of that. You know what I do? I don't ever hit stop. Oh, they can hear, yes. I say no. Okay. By Oh say by jam. By, by Jim. By Kerry, by Kerry, by from the Y.

Speaker 6: 1:17:28

Thank you for listening to another episode of She's not doing so well. Leave a message with questions or comments at six(600) 920-7464 three. Don't forget to subscribe and check out our links in the podcast description of this episode. Views, information or opinions expressed during she's not doing so well. Podcast are solely those of the individuals involved in do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any other agency, organization, employer, or company. This has been a house of Breck production.

Speaker 7: 1:18:04

[inaudible].