Uniquely Ordinary - Mental Health When You are Gay

She's not doing so well. She's not doing so well. Send you questions and get it by is Bobby and bugs. They're really nice with new topics every week. Is Everything an LGBT? She's not doing so well. She's not doing so well. Welcome to. She's not doing so well. The podcast that is unhinged and on filter put with a side of sweeping.

Funny. Now you're the art. Bobby ended the bucks a little round. Hello everybody.

Welcome to another episode of She's not doing so well. I'm Bobby. I'm Jim. Thanks for joining us again for another fun filled episode. It's gonna be fun. Going to be fun because it's Labor Day. Oh, what is Labor Day all about? I don't really know. I thought it was like some kind of holiday Reagan made up or something. You really thought it was about just drinking it. Like somebody was like, oh, let's just drink all day. It's Labor Day. Let's throw up that pool in the back. And of course I have a few cocktails. I know, right? Like the baby pool out of the baby pulls out back. He pulls out. Except for, we didn't get to use that. Oh really? Stormed all day yesterday. Oh, and today[inaudible] it's[inaudible] and it's gonna be cold water. Okay. So the pool didn't work out, but, no. But do you know what Labor Day is? Um, I don't fully, like I'd have to do a quick phone check, but I know it's something about the labor movement, like the unions. I don't know if, yeah, maybe we should just figure this out. Oh yeah. Pull it up. It's a public holiday celebrated by the first Monday in September. Honors American labor movement and the power of collective action by laborers. But like did they get to pick the date or did the government like, okay, fine thing. But um hmm. I mean it seems like as I'm looking it up, there's a lot more to it than saying like, oh, let's just have this day off cause it's because, oh no, it's really the unofficial end of summer in my opinion. Like, yeah, I know. It's sad for PSL, PSL. I mean, we just switched our, um, lemon fresh, a sense in the house to, Ooh, fall fresh. I thought I smelled a little spicy. Different. It's a little cinnamon spicy. Oh, apple crisp.[inaudible] no, I don't know what it is, but I like, it was switched this morning and I was like, okay, it's fall switched. Yeah, I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I don't even know where they're at. It was switched. Switched by someone anonymously. Alex came out in the middle of the night. Right. I mean it's like overnight, boom. Summers. Summer to fall over. It's over. And I'm actually not mad the highest, like 80 but well this week it's supposed to be all like seventies thank God. Thank God. A little breeze. Like little breeze and one of my cancer. Yeah. Pants and hoodies. Like I like to be able to eat and wear a hoodie. Sorry. And eating sweater. Oh yeah. I'll be able to fill out. You need room, you've got to get thick. You've got to get, cause you've got to get warm. You gotta be warm. Like, oh wow. I had a little adventure this past a week. I do got to go to Chicago with my fiance. Oh. Oh. How was that? How's the windy city? My God, it was so fun. Such a great city. We learned that it's not called the windy city because it's windy though, and we really didn't expect that. We were like, you know, we kept saying, oh it's windy. Like well it's the windy city. And apparently this was something like when the world's fair was like being offered to cities and then they kept bragging about themselves. So New Yorkers were like, oh, Chicago's the city of wind bags. Like the windy and then they, yeah, they embraced it. I now, right. It was windy. Cause every time I'm there it's windy. Every time. I've never had it.[inaudible] yeah, okay. Maybe now it's just like Labor Day, like we don't know anything about anything. I mean, I'm not going to pretend like I know, but, but oh yeah, the windy city, of course the wind baggy of course. Right. But we got to go to Boystown, which is always going to cell block. That's where the pups were from. My story. I know I didn't, you reminded me too late. We had already been to like three bars. You could have drank beer out of a dog bowl. I didn't have my leather mask though matter honey, it hadn't[inaudible] but yeah, just had your fiance pull you through. I've been dominated all weekend. Give me a break. I don't need it from you too. So you didn't go to cell block. But we were, well we went to Roscoe's, which I'm telling you this place had$3 drafts. Everything on draft$3 you blocked out. Well I'm not saying I didn't, but I'm not saying I did, but we had dueling pianos. We went to sidetrack, which is huge. I mean I've never been there. Well there just went to endless rooms. Endless where it was there a really long line to get in though. Nope, we walked in. Oh Wow. Cause it was only 10:00 PM so you were in the early trail. Little early blue blue plays now. Exactly. It's true. Like let's get ready to go out at midnight. No Bitch to eight that's enough. Eight to 11 and then if I'm really drunk I'll stay up till like 12 or one but so after all that adventure, we went over to grand rapids for a wedding. How's all this driving across the Midwest? It was a lot of dry me of rent. I don't know. It's flying and renting cars is too much work. Yeah. So we drove. Oh that's, I mean that's good landing. It was a gay wedding, so it was fun. So what does that mean? Wow. Dancing and a lot of alcohol. Lot of alcohol. It was fun. It was at the zoo. Oh. However we were late. Why were you late? Oh my God. So the wedding at five and we show up to the zoo and at like five oh two so I'm like, okay, it's fine. We're going run it right. And yet we barely, it hasn't even started yet. Okay. Well it was at the top of like the only mountain in grand rapids, so you have to take out the train up. I had so much anxiety. I was like, I don't know anyone here. I literally, I only knew my fiance who is friends with everyone there. I didn't no single soul in the whole wedding. And then you're walking in late and I'm walking in late train running right now. That wedding's already started and there you are like waving like we're here. We walked out the brow, they all saw it. Yeah. Ooh. That would give me some fucking anxiety, which brings us to our topic for the day. It's time, it's time to breach it. It's time to at least embrace it honestly, because anxiety is something a lot of people deal with and we do what that, and I deal with it like all day, every day. Ah, yeah. I mean it's gotten better. Yeah. Yeah. But there are still things that trigger. Yeah. What are some of your triggers? Okay. Like I'll be 100% honest per usual. It makes me say I wish she'd lie sometime. I know, like I'm like, I just get anxiety because I just do. But no, it's because, well, I, okay. It's, you want me to tell you how it started, I guess when it started. So I think it was, you remember? Oh yeah. Okay. I was in like ninth grade I think. I think it was right after my grandmother died, to be honest with you. She was like the first person to die and she died of cancer. And it was like very not sorry to bring down the tau. It was not good. Like it was a very like rush situation. And I mean I was kinda naive I think. So I was like, what? Like oh, she's going to be fine. But like, no. So she died and like I don't talk about our Catholic roots, but I can't stand like open casket, like kneel in front of the casket. Oh yeah. And Shit. Nope. Every death like started to become like a topic of me. And if you know me, death is something that literally scares the shit out of me. And I don't know. I don't know why the why because it's part of life and lot of people are like, listen, it's fine. I mean nobody knows if it's fine. That's the problem is that I don't, I'm getting anxious right now talking about, no, I mean so like, but here's the weird thing. You didn't ha you don't, and probably never have had anxiety about what happened before you were born. Well that just like, and you don't know what it was like before you were born and it just happened and now you're here. Like when you're[inaudible] die and it doesn't matter that you're not going to know. You don't know. You went to bed, you just went to bed. What's that? So, okay, so the anxiety starts when I'm laying in bed and I'm going to lie last night. Yeah. Oh, the original. But even if it is, but I won't know unless I go to heaven if they're trying to talk you down here and it's not working. No, it's not. Cause I also, again, a reoccurring theme on our show will be religion. And actually we talked to somebody today, our guest talks about his religious roots and all that and how anxiety played in that. And that plays with me too, because I'm sitting here thinking like I had faith in something I believed really deeply about God, like I did, and I still want to, that's where I think the problem is, is that, but then I see all these jackasses who believed in the same God that I, yeah. And so I'm like, what do I believe? And then I'm like, and then I, there's just a lot of things. Oh my, yeah. It's deep. Wow. But that's not the only anxiety. So death is the ultimate anxiety. Yeah. For most people. So also then it's the leading up to death. So it started with, I thought I had West Nile. That was the first step. Yep. I'm a hypochondriac. I'm a hypochondriac. You are sorry, Amy. Must be sorry. But, sorry, not, sorry. Yeah. Um, when did you think you had west Snyder's right after my, it was like ninth grade right after my grandma died. Like that summer, they were like less Niles all over, you know, and I'm like, Oh God, I'm going to get West Nile. And then I, I remember like, I think it was anxiety actually. You know, sometimes anxiety can mimic like you get dizzy, easy, like sweaty know dying and a panic attack like 100%. My God, they're down. You had a panic attack ever? Yes. Oh yes. Oh One too many times. Well yeah, like I am talking like I remember. So anyway, west I'll go with the west side and I will get the panic attacks cause that's a whole other phone. So like West Nile and then it became, now my big thing is it's always like, oh I have like the like I get a headache and like well this could be meningitis or it could be a brain tumor and it's awful and I'm serious. Like it's not even a joke. That's the first thing. Then I'm like, well it's actually, cause I've been staring at the computer for 44 hours straight and not even moved.[inaudible] it's, it is ridiculous. Like, and I know it's ridiculous. Oh my God. So if you're a hypochondriac, they're out there. I know like what you feel. It's hard. It's hard because then the internet was created. So you go on girl and you're like, Google, your headaches and watery eyes are like, Yup, your dad and I'm willing to die. I'm like, Oh, this had the brain eating Amoeba. Sorry, I really don't want to go to lakes now because of that. I better. Yeah, so that's my triggers. I know it's light. I know that's not a big deal. It's a big deal. Like it's serious and I deal with this every day. Yah. Pin drop and try to be, I don't need to can laugh at that. It's really now that's sad. But what are your triggers? I mean you've got to have something that triggers you like nothing compared to that. I can't even no miners health-related. But yours might be like time management or you know, it's time, man. A lot of time management. Yeah. I think about like here's my whole thing. It's like, oh, I have to be at work at seven tomorrow, so I have to get this much sleep. Okay, so now it's, yeah, now it's 4:00 PM so I have, okay, I've got x hours. Yes, I have this much time left and then every 15 minutes I'm looking at the clock like, okay, wait, now I haven't. Two and a half hours left. Okay. Am I starting to feel tired enough though? Like, wait, am I tired? I gotta take my[inaudible]. Yeah. Okay. Okay. It's been okay. An hour and a half before bed. Take the mountain and it's got to kick in. Okay. I've ticked about, okay, wait. Oh my God, I gotta hit my CBD if I don't like wait, okay. Senile. Even an hour, like I'm still not tired yet. Wait, am I going to be like, oh, better than the whole thing's up to now. And then it's like, wow, now I've already missed an hour of sleep that I need and I've missed an hour and a half of sleep that I need, not lil. Next thing you know, it's after midnight and you're getting up at like six 30 like, oh, you're tossing and turning cause you not yet. No. You're like, shit, I gotta get to bed. That's my big, and your partner's kicking you and snoring and you're like, what the fuck? Oh. Oh, he does snore. Yeah. That's where your plugs. Same earplugs every night. Night Guard. I do too. I was like grind. That's part of anxiety. Actually. My dentist said to me, he goes to be, he goes, either you need to get a night guard or you need to get rid of your anxiety. And I'm pretty much assuming that you probably should just get the night guard. And I was like grinding my teeth every time. He's like, listen, you're being realness today. Yeah. Like he was like, he's French actually.[inaudible] all, oh, which we're going to Montreal man announcement. We're going to go, we're taking, she's not doing so on the road. Yeah. We're going to get some street interviews and friends. Oh, in French, let's say compost hall. Oh, watch out. I'm practicing. I have my Google translator too, so I'll be having[inaudible] say, I'm sorry. What? They're like, you fucking, and I'm like, I don't speak French. Can they get, yeah. So, um, but yeah, that's my anxiety. It's just a general anxiety. So I feel like I have it all the time, but I'm on medication. I mean, I'm, I'm not afraid to admit it either. I think it's very important for people to, like, I probably should be doing talk therapy as well, and I do that. I've done it. I haven't been doing it recently because I know what my anxiety, like you can't really talk out of death. Like I don't know what to tell you. Like I don't, you need psychedelics. You need to like, yeah, I just[inaudible] I knew mushroom[inaudible] with that. Now I can already really are, especially for people with PTSD really. I mean, I know, I mean marijuana for example, like every state should have that for anxiety as well because I feel like that's something that can calm you down and sort of like get you back to ground. I mean, I don't know. There's a lot of things that are coming up with now that hopefully aren't as cause SSRI, just Kinda sock. They got side effects. I mean, I personally can't Jack Hewlett, uh, as quickly as I'd want to. Oh No. Yeah, we're going there. I'm just being honest about everything. Wow. I love it. Thank you. Um, but yeah, that's a problem. Like it's to where and also like just your libido in general is kind of like it's gone saying, I mean like a lot of times I have to be like light left left. Yeah. Like I have to be totally in the mood and it's weird. A lot of times it's when I'm intoxicated so maybe that's like counteracting the medicine. I don't know. But I'm on two medicines cause I didn't want to get back on an anxiety medication cause I was on one for like probably three years and then I stopped. Oh like three years ago I stopped and I was like make a difference when you stopped. Oh, got worse. Right. Well my anxiety, I was able to control actually the problem of anxiety medicine is that you get to a point where you're like, yeah, it's working. I'm fine. I don't need any more. But you're fine because you're working, you're on the medicine. Yeah, I feel fine. I'm great. I don't need this medicine. I'm like, yeah. So I went with not taking it for a while and I was like trying to make it work. And then I was like, you know what, I need to get on something. So I kind of Welbutrin actually, which is not necessarily, it's not an SSRI activating, it's activating. It's very look. So I have to take that in the morning. Okay. And then my anxiety still wasn't going away. So then I'm like, I need something else. I do not want to have the sexual side effects. I do not want to have the shit that I had before. And then I was like, you know what? I'm not even wanting to have sex now because I'm depressed. Yeah. Right, right. Actually, my sex life has gotten better since I started taking Lexapro, even though it's not, it's weird. It's a weird thing. So I'm on Lexapro at night and Wellbutrin in the morning and in between everything else, everything else, it's just, you know, my Alegra coke zero, coke zero and Alegra and actually something else, I don't really know. It's like a acid reflux medicine. Well, I think that's anxiety too. Okay. Okay. Um, so what else do you think about anxiety? Like do you think that that also then leads to depression? I think they're like go hand in hand. It's weird. Like I guess I've met some people who are just just suppress and not anxious all the time. But like I feel like everyone has both. I agree. I think it one leads to the other and whether you know it or not, especially I think depression is a different, I think I'm actually glad I don't have depression oppression. Like there's some people who get in depression and they let go into a deep dark place. Like we really, Oh yeah, like where you[inaudible] to do anything and you didn't want to do anything. Didn't want to leave. I became like, I think the terms like catatonic, like I couldn't even move. Oh my God. Oh yeah. I was really bad. That's scary. Yeah that freaking anxiety. I know I was in school and it was just like, I remember going to the psychiatrist and just sitting in her chair and she was like, yeah, you know, I tend to believe that you're not able to like move around a lot cause I'm just looking at you now and you haven't changed position at all in like half an hour in the chair. You're just sitting there and staring at and you were just like in the order and the talking. I don't mind. Yeah, that's how I feel. Was this during your work? Like was this like how old were you at this point? It's like 20 you're like it was last you? Yeah, yeah. It was just yesterday, yes or no. Okay. So you were like in the, that's a really tough time anyway. Yeah, I mean it is. It is. Oh so, so how'd you get over? Like you get on medication, you don't have to talk about your medications, but like it's fine. No, I got on medication, I got to, I was on at that 0.3 meds. Oh Wow. So it's a lot to treatment resistant depression. Oh Wow. Yeah. That's, it was so bad. Like I've been like, hmm, what if I did, you know, like shock therapy? What if I did? Wow. No, like what are the alternatives here? Like what else can I do to try to live my life right. And you'll try anything. You will, because I'm open to any treatment, you know, sometimes oppression, and I hate to say it, this is gonna sound bad, but like sometimes being depressed a little bit, it like it's kind of an excuse to not do anything. So you're like, I'm just going to lay here and watch Netflix. But then eventually it kind of eats you alive. Sorta like anything that you just keep, you think of protective. Like I don't have the energy to go out. Like I don't want to interact with people cause I'm depressed. Right. You don't, and then you're like, I would just sit in my room and either read or yes, watch something on stream it. And then you're like, wait, I haven't talked to a person in like three or four days. I haven't gone out. I haven't done anything. Right. And then you're like, that's not helping. The depression and then it gets deeper and vertical digging a deeper hole and you're just like, well here we are. I'm glad that you, that's scary though to not even like show emotion at all and not exactly better. But yeah, it's something I remember and I'm always like, I can't head back that direction. I really hate the stigma that's involved with mental health because I feel like a lot of people can't get the help they need or they choose not to. And our interview today is with a person named Ryan West and he's local to where we are. And he started an organization basically based on this whole premise of if you can't afford it, that's shouldn't be a very right, you should still be able to get mental health. Exactly. So we interviewed him yesterday during Labor Day, so we might be a little bit tips. I think at one point I was like, I don't know what I was talking about, but it was just like one moment I had, I think he had a breathing. Jim Leads this interview really well. I think you did really well with it. Um, so let's go ahead and listen to that. Um, and then we'll kind of just touch base at the end and we'll go from there. Enjoy. Alright, everybody. And now we're here with an exclusive interview with, uh, our friend Ryan West.

Hello Ryan. Hi. How are you doing today? Yeah, I've only met you like once or twice actually. I know, but you know, this is this time it's over. So that's always great. Yeah. Are we sober though? I mean not ish. Your wife? Yeah, I've only had like half of a truly, truly work. We're trash. We're trash, which really is not good. It's harsh as we've gone over previously. Well enough. Anyways, so Ryan, tell us a little bit about yourself. Where did you grow up or how did you grow up? What kind of family did you grow up in and that kind of thing? Uh, so I grew up on the west side of Columbus. Um, was homeschooled all the way from second grade through high school. So you know, a lot of dating action going on then. Yeah. Did you have events with other kids? I did not know that. So we had this group called home on the Rock, which was basically like a bunch of homeschoolers, like would meet up and whatever subject to your parent really sucked at teaching. Like we would just like trade parents. I love it. Um, however, like nobody wanted to get like the talk, so there was never like a sex education or like class through that. So it was, mine was given by the nightmares. Mine was given by a priest. So like, you're going to get some hair down there and then all armpit hair. And it was like, is that it? Anything else important that we're missing? Like why are the girls in a different room? I remember it's like, I want to be with the girls. Oh, well they have things called periods. So they're learning about that. I'm like, wow, I feel like we're leaving out a big topic here. Right. So home on the rock. So we did that. Um, and then my parents decided to further isolate us and we moved to Pataskala. No. So my entire like high school, those are air quotes, by the way. Um, yeah. You know, upbringing was in Pataskala. Uh, oh, church was probably my only source of like community getting to know people. Yeah. That was pretty much it for us. So yeah, that's my childhood is, uh, how important was the church in your family? Uh, super important. We, um, in fact, I, my junior and senior year, um, I preached a couple times in the church. Um, and they were, I wouldn't say they were grooming me to become the next pastor, but there was definitely this like expectation that I was going to go, you know, pursue a career in being a pastor. So, wow. I mean, I, okay, I'm Brandon, but totally different subject sort of. But like in our, like as a Catholic, my grandparents used to say to me to like, oh, you should join the seminary or was that it's called seminary. Well, yeah, remember eighth grade I had most likely become a priest was my like superlative. And so that's the way like Catholic parents tell or Catholic grandparents or whoever say to like a gay person that they know is probably gay, they're like, you should get into the ministry. Is that something on like a non like I don't know what exactly what bringing under the trash until like, so I grew up as baptist. Oh, so little different. Little more strict. Maybe I don't, I know they don't like the gay just in a different way. Do they? Oh No. Okay. Out of not, I'm just like all this time I could have been a baptist man. No, for sure. So grew up Baptist was preaching, you know, a couple times a year. Um, but then I thought I was going to become a film director and everybody's like, oh great, you're going into the secular world. And I was like, no, I'm going to like teach people about these great values. Like lead them to Jesus in a different, in a different way. Yeah. Wow. It, uh, but that was not how things went down for me. Oh. So let's go on to like high school and like, well high school was high school. Oh, well I guess high school was home school, high school. But let's, I'm into I guess age group. So 18 to 25 at what point? Like, what were you doing then? Were you dating women? Like what, what, what's your, what's your, I wasn't dating at all. I was very strict on, this is the time for me to work on me and my like, Sunday school teacher, he gave us this advice and he said, um, if there's one piece of advice I want you guys to take from me is don't start dating until after high school. And so I took that as, okay, I don't need to mess around with all these unknowable. Disagree. I don't argue either. Now it's probably unhealthy, but it's getting your first kiss at like 23 to, is that how you are? That's okay. I wasn't thrilled about that. Yeah. You're like, they're like first time, you know, like yes. Yeah, you can say that, but I mean that's, yeah. I mean that's common though. I feel like it's more common than people want to admit to. There's some people who are like, there's some people are like, wow, you're really young for having your first cousin. There's some people like, oh, okay, like you're a little bit older. But I mean, I don't feel like that's something, but they told you not to date until after high school. So it was everyone following that are like, oh no. Where there was only wondering, there was only a few of us that were, you know, in that mind state of like, okay, I want to, um, you know, seek the best advice possible. Yeah. So I didn't date through high school and then once I got into college age, I just went straight into the workforce and uh, wasn't a lot to choose from, you know, working for Kroger. Oh No. Oh boy. God bless them. I mean, they give everyone jobs, which is good. I mean, no, that's good. I mean, that's something that I think being career oriented is not a bad thing at all. I think that's actually a good thing, especially for somebody who needs, I have a transgender self checkout lady in my Kroger. I'm just telling you, you well-represented. Like it's good. I will say that I don't remember homosexuality being talked about in the church growing up. Oh really? It was completely glossed over. So they just like blacked it out. They're like, no, we're not gonna[inaudible] a couple and yeah. Terrible things thrown again. You better go to confession. Weird. It was literally the only verses that were brought up where the same verses that we're all familiar with and that's all that was said. Lay with another man. The fuck the nose. Yeah, for sure. So I can, you can fuck them but don't lay with them. Just don't lie. Just kidding. Pushing that might be, yeah, that was inappropriate. Sorry. Fine.[inaudible] inappropriate thing that happens today. Yeah. So, but I can remember, um, when I was probably about 13 having my first like, Oh shit, people might find out that I am a little different. Um, so when I was again like 13 you work with what you got. So JC penny's catalog, you just like start cutting up, you know those like underwear, photos. God, I would have to go to the bathroom. Air quotes. Yeah. Time in Macy's or JC Penney. It was like just to go buy the underwear section and like sneak by the aisles and be like, oh look at me and maybe I'm going to get boxer briefs today. Well, I better check out the bikini too. Maybe. I'd like that shape. I'm always[inaudible]. This was like every time we went there, you know you looked forward to going through the underwear. I was wanting to see the of the mannequins

size queen, your Yha. Wow. I just took a bond. There's no testicles all wise. That's a really bigger bomp. Some of them have a bigger bump than others, but he likes classes. LG Mannequin biology. Yeah. Okay, so you're clipping things out that you shouldn't be clipping. So at this point, okay, so let's talk, I want to like inform everybody. What is your actual sexuality right now I identify as bisexual. Okay, so at that time though you are still cutting out like men in magazines, women in magazines. You were cutting out magazines like you were just doing it all. So I had like this like stack of clips in my room, those clips and my brother came across them. He, my brother is like three years younger than me and he's like, hey dude, why do you have clips of guys and underwear? And of course Michael to answer is like, did you look on the other side? There's like video games and stuff that I like want for Christmas. Like oh my God, I was excused. Did he believe you out of this? Yeah, I mean we moved to, so yeah, we grew up in the church. So pretty grieve like brother wouldn't be doing that. Oh No, brother would never rather would never look at underwear ads. It must be the video games, which I mean, to be fair, I mean I love video games. Still do same deal. Clip them out to look at them. I'm clipping a lot. I actually had a stash of, oh, we're gonna go there. So I used to print it on the printer. So I'd go to these websites that would take like 45 minutes to load one picture, hit print. Oh yeah. And then the basement, which is where my room was. Right. And in the basement we had tiles like tiled ceiling. Oh yeah. So I used to hide them in the tile above my bed. And since you're like nine foot seven, you could probably just right up and so now I'm wondering if they ever Redo the basement there. Are they all going to get a lot of vps? Lots of DPS, eps and one dairy, poor resolution printout. Horrible. I mean at this point I don't think could be man, woman, both. It's, you can't even see. It's like pixelated, but at the time I could see it all at the time and I remember one time actually I left it on the bed and I drove away. Actually when I driving at the time I was, I think our window. I went on the bike or something. I came and you realized it. I was like, oh my God. If my mom walked down there, they wouldn't know. I don't know if they did or not. Maybe she did walk down there and didn't, maybe she knew this whole time, full denial. She's like, no, you can't be my son. He just printed this out for me. He knows I'm into this. Yeah, not my mother. He was probably just admiring the underwear. It's, yeah, it's just the underwear. He's trying to pick out the underwear. They were like full blown. So there's not, we're like, oh yeah, okay. Your mom's like, wow, Bobby, you go through a lot of printing. I just, I don't know where all the, what are you printing out? Actually they're like, I only printed one page. She's like, well why do you, why didn't knowing clap again? Um,

I mean I go to black and white if I had to. But anyway, back to you. Sorry, I just stole it off the trail trail. Time to go back to the trail. The trail. So you identify as bisexual, Eh, when did you come out? I came out when I was 29. Okay. Yeah there is little late. Nobody liked it. So when did you come out to yourself though? Like you were 13, you knew, you were like, I kinda like guys and I'm cutting them out of magazines. Where you kind of like, at that time did you think, okay, I can be bisexual or were you like, no, I'm gay. I know when I was a teenager, early twenties, I viewed being gay or bisexual as almost like being an alcoholic. I'd have to deal with, maybe it'll be, it'll amplify. Maybe it will decrease with age. I don't know yet. So I decided just to keep it all quiet. Um, I do remember, you know, we all, once we got like our apple computer, like made little videos, I had like my whole confessional on there. Like I should look to see if I still have all my, God I that would be awesome. Oh, it's just me crying. I think. Yeah, like six wouldn't get very far. I'd be like, I am like, let, it would be bad, I would not be able to talk through that. So I had like that. So again, that was like 23, 24 is when I like started realizing okay, this way I might actually be okay with this, but I'm not sure. Um, I decided though to come out when I was 29, basically because I started this nonprofit for mental health and I really felt like it was my obligation to be like, well, part of my journey of tackling my mental health issues, um, was wrapped up in my sexuality. And here I am trying to be an advocate and I'm not even being open with who I am. So I felt like I was a huge hypocrite. Wow, that's awesome. I mean really like so wise. Yeah. Like that very admiral of Utah actually. Like, I mean it almost, that's good insight. Very. I mean very, cause that's th that's a lot. That's heavy. It's very heavy. Cause that's how I sort of felt when I came out. I was Kinda like, how am I, I'm not being truthful about anything. I'm lying to everybody. And so yeah, I wasn't doing a nonprofit at that point, so it was like, I mean, I had nothing going for me other than just like, you know, living my regular life. But on craigslist, on craigslist as you know, shade. Wow. Um, and you know, you're nonprofit, so do you deal with anxiety? Do you deal with mental health issues or is that something that you deal with specifically or is it for sure. So I always say that I major in depression and I have a minor in anxiety. The opposite. But yeah, and that's typically how it works. If you have one mental disorder, you have other things that kind of stem from that as well. Absolutely. Yeah. Um, so mine was depression. Uh, and basically the big moment for me, uh, when I had my breakdown and depression was I was at the time I was on staff at a church and I was called in because they had some questions about my relationships with these, uh, young men that I was leading this like small group. Why? And they were like, Hey, so we've noticed that you just like, you seem to like really have a great connection with these guys and we really appreciate that. But has the relationship ever gotten inappropriate? Are you fucking my God? And I'm like fishing for Shit. I'm like, I mean, I did tell them that I smoke weed every once in awhile. Oh yeah. Like, like I don't know. And they're like, well what if like a fly was on the wall watching you guys? Whoa, what would it see that maybe wouldn't be great. I'm sorry. They're like accusing you definitely did not happen. Right? So like someone did one of the boys in the group raises or like the parents? No, so again, I, at the time I was on staff at the church, so my like, ah, my email was still opened up at the church and one of the guys sent a picture at my house when we were playing two truths and a lie or not two truths and a lie. What are the odds? What we were planning teachers and he lost. So he had to shave his legs. So there was a photo of this kid in my house shaving his legs and they just see this photo, this kid like in his underwear. And I was like, really? I get it. Not the best look. But also this kid was almost 19 so it's like a, so it's not even past high school or not even sure. I'm like, we're not in the dangerous, let's put it that way. I mean it's a game, right? Clearly that's you connecting though. It's like, I mean that's like a way to connect with younger people is to like do stuff like that. Like[inaudible] silly games for sure. And I get like, I get both sides sort of at the same time. Like I just am appalled that they came up to you and said like that way instead of just being like, we saw this picture when you have that, can you clarify this? So how do you feel about your life? I mean like those, that's a little broad. And then so basically from there, uh, they said, well, there's been some question about your sexuality and at this point I have come out to one person in my life, which was a priest when I was Catholic for two years for a hot second. All right. And he actually said necessarily beautiful things, but I'll, I'll come back to that list. I want to know. Yeah, that experience. Well, I'll just tell it now then. So basically I came out and my confession to a priest and he literally just gave this big sigh and he said, for your Penance, I just want you to walk out of here, go into the auditorium and praise God for five things you like about, oh, oh my God, this is getting, wow, that's amazing. We went to Baptist after this. I was baptist before.

You're like, wait, what? So you try it like this. It sounds to me like you're trying to find your way to like for sure and also kind of get like approval like right. You want to just be, because obviously you were raised, you know, religious and all that and so you want to like the validation thing. Exactly. Like advocating right now you just blockaded and that's okay. I just totally block it. I had some trulys today. Okay. Um, but I want to know what happened at the end with[inaudible],

this whole silliness, some questions about your sexuality. Like they basically said like, you know, that I give off that vibe and I really vibe. I really did by some of the examples that they use. They're like, well, you've had some like Instagram posts of, you know, some of the guys in the group and you just speak like you're really proud of them and you love them and you almost a little too much. I cannot,

yeah. Cause if you're gay, you know, when you say something like, I love you. It's means it's brutal. Romantic sexual for sure. You know what?[inaudible]

so it makes me so irritated. I basically, um, I left that meeting feeling really disgusted with myself. Yeah. Um, and I'm like, so I knew I'd come out to myself and knew that I was bisexual, gay, whatever label you want to put on it. But I was like, do, do these people at the time I did respect, do they see something in me that I don't see and I could be a potential predator. Oh my God. Um, so I went home that that night after driving for a few hours and I had a surgery about six, eight months ago and still had a lot of like fake it and left. Um, so I attempted to overdose, um, got up the next day or so. Um, took me a minute to kind of figure out like what had just happened and then just felt really disappointed that I didn't succeed. Um, because you're, you're thinking about, you're thinking about so many things. You're thinking about, okay, I have to do this if I'm a, a threat to other people. But you're also thinking like, well, but I also don't want to be a burden to somebody and leave a mess. So you're also like very like weirdly thinking about how can I say that myself, you know, a possible, and this is the stuff that adults don't even,

no goes for people's heads who are struggling with their sexuality or struggling with trying to find their place in the world, you know, or have been almost like guided into thinking that you're a Predator, right? Like trying to figure out who you are and why. And told that you're something you're not, and then that prompts you at that age. Oh, well then you already had,

um, during the attempt. Yeah, I would have been 27. Okay. So I'll could see like, don't you think like maybe I, I don't want to go too crazy here, but maybe a lot of your life was kind of teaching you to think that way and worry about yourself in that way. I mean, like if you, if you think being gay is a sin and then they try to connect you to a possible other sin, it's like it just all gets pulled together or I don't know what was going through your mind at the time, but first year, not to yourself, but like, did you still feel okay with it or did that seem like that to you still? I was hoping that like, you know, again, I still identify as bisexual that like, okay, well maybe I'll just find the right woman. Ah, okay. And that, this can all just go away. Like, she's gonna help fix me. Yes. Um, but you know, a lot of time went by and that never happened. It doesn't usually happen on a lot of times. I mean, just to be fair, it's, and you don't need fixed. So yeah, there's nothing wrong. But you think that you do bring up a good point. Like, so I grew up in a church where we didn't talk about it period, except for bringing up a few verses to basically say it's wrong. Exactly. Uh, in the homeschooling too, like that doesn't get you exposed to like public school. We're not gonna see like really first shot guy who came out and he's 12. Oh My, my high school drama kitchen or whatever drama is basically my exposure to homosexuality was willing grace. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yes. And we weren't allowed to watch that. But like if it was on TV, I'd be like, my mom would, I think just change the channel. It's inappropriate. So yeah, my exposure was limited. So then what did you do after you kind of got your bearings and you're like, I just tried to kill myself. So the first thing I did after I kind of like, you know, cross thought about what I was doing, processed it, uh, as I saw help through a counselor. Um, it was really important to me and I don't know why, but I really wanted to speak to a Christian counselor, which all you knew. I mean, I want someone to understand me like at least a little bit in the back room up going to the traits of different world. I really, you do have, it's, it's a mindset. It is. For sure. That makes sense. Did you find someone? I did. Um, I saw him for almost two years. Oh, awesome. Um, we made a lot of really great progress, uh, in a very short amount of time. Uh, we went straight from me talking about my depression to homosexuality, to, uh, family issues, to everything. Like we worked through a lot of stuff. Um, but I will say, even though he's a therapist and he's a Christian therapist, but when I came out to him, he never condemned my actions. Um, he did. However, he's like, if you're going to have a relationship with somebody at the same sex, he said, please read these pamphlets. And it was just educating me on sex ed. Oh

Wow. I was expecting, I thought it was going to turn bad. Like you don't even think we don't think that way because we're in, like you said about public school. Like we go through the talk, we go through all this stuff. I mean we know, I mean it being gay, it's a different whole different ball game. But like we know the basics of like, whereas somebody like you who was growing up in a church, probably clients sex, right? Yeah.

Oh. So I was very thankful for that. There was no judgment there. Um, you know, we prayed at the end of every session. Um, we really got to work through a lot of great things. Um, but again, for me, I'm grateful that I had that experience, but therapy is not cheap.

Oh No, please. I know it was like$85 every session I went. I really, so going for 10 years, that needs to be more in place to be honest with you. For mental health and within our,

okay. I think he has some ideas. Well he does have some ideas. So tell us about your ideas. Yeah, sure. So I, uh, started a nonprofit three years ago called uniquely ordinary. And so our mission statement is this, we believe everyone is unique, but then unfortunately so many people face the ordinary battles against depression, anxiety and all the forms of mental illness. So with this organization, we wanted to do one thing which was raising funds to help pay for the therapy needs of others who cannot afford it at this time. So we do all of these different events throughout Columbus. Uh, most of the time we call them therapy galleries. It's different artists. They either struggle with a mental illness or artist and advocate for promoting mental health. We will pick a topic, whether it's bipolar, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and we'll do artwork based off of that. And then we turn around, we sell it, and then we partnered up with mental health America, Franklin County last year. And so we actually give our money to them and it all goes towards their pro bono counseling.

Oh Wow. That's incredible. Oh my gosh. I love it. I know. I really like that.

So you know, we're only, we're three so we've got a long road to go. Yeah. We want to make a lot different impacts here in Columbus. But you know, for being three we're excited to like have our own studio space at 400 Yep. We're open to the public four times a month just to have these conversations and raise money for these sessions. Okay.

I love that. I know, I love to, wow. It's really, it's really refreshing to see somebody like you. Like you've been through a lot, I feel like a lot more than a lot of people. And so to see you come out of this like a Phoenix or the Alpina or you want to say helping, helping others, do you think helping others is actually helping you then to that? Like is that something that you feed off of?

For sure, definitely. I think that it makes you feel less alone to talk about it. And it definitely is scary, you know, to be the first one to be like, Hey, I've tried to overdose. Yeah. Hi, by the way. Nice to meet you.

I just walked in. I'm like, Oh, I'm a little bit crazy. I have anxiety problems. Huh. Whereas the elephant room for you is like, well, you know, and I think it's important that you are talking about this though, because there are people who are just like you and have done what you have done and maybe haven't said anything or maybe haven't seek the help because they can't afford it and now maybe they can reach it through your organization. So for sure, that's pretty, pretty big. I mean, honestly, um, I just think that's like, oh, that's gonna speak to a lot of people and is willing to, this is good. It is very good. So where, what's your relationship now with church? What's like in religion?

Uh, I'm kinda taking a break and just being real about it. Um, I have so many amazing friends that after I came out, I won't say that they left the church immediately, but they slowly started pulling back. Like, no, we love our friend and we actually think he loves correctly as well. There's nothing to fix. And if my church doesn't condone him being married to the person that he loves, then maybe I don't want to be here anymore. And so I still think I kind of go to church in a way that like I still hang out with a lot of churchgoers and we'll meet up at a coffee shop, but we're not meeting up in a church building. Right, right. Cause I think it's important to keep your faith, like whatever it is. Like I think, you know, like you said you're taking a break, but um, did you know about Trade Pearson? Have you heard about him? A little bit, yeah. He's

local too. And he is used to being in a Christian band called everyday Sunday, everyday Sunday. He has struggled so much with this because like when he came out, I mean as obviously more public and there was more people who saw him and it was a major, I mean he's still going through, he just came out with a music video actually that's really good. But I just feel like he's somebody who I always thought I read about you came out. I always thought yeah. So yeah he was magazine. He was on the cover was his like coming rider. Yeah. But I always think about you when I hear about him and I really love for you to connect somehow. I don't know why. I don't know why the conversation will be very interesting as a fly on the wall. Cause I feel like you both would have a lot to say it cause he's very passionate about, he's like, you know, I think a song's called some about Jesus loving him still. Like do you still love me? Jesus. And it's a very impactful music video showing LGBT people, old, older people, a drag queen, all this stuff. And it's great. And it's one of those things where a lot of PE is trying to make it more mainstream so that people see what we go through. And how do you still want to have that relationship with God and you still want to, not just how, like you said earlier, like it was your sense of community, right? I mean I got your identity thing. I went to church twice a week, every week, once with the class and then once on Sunday with my family. Yeah. So it's like such a big thing. And like every religious holiday we prepared for. Yeah, we did like the advent calendar we did lang, we like we'd go to fish. I mean it was a big thing to hang out with the people that you're going to church with and then, yeah. And then you're like worried about it and you're like, am I gonna about to lose all of that? All those. Right. Just by coming out. So. Mm. So in wrapping up, what would you say to somebody, what would you say to yourself? Your 13 year old self, if you could tell him something today.

Ooh, I mean, doesn't everybody just want to say it's all going to be okay? I know we all want to say do better because it does. Um, I guess if I, so if I was speaking to my 13 year old self, I would tell him, you don't have to have all the answers. It's good. Um, you're not right about a lot of things. Uh, try to write a few more things in your life with like pen and ink or write with pencil ink. Like I think you're still gonna race. You're so busy trying to figure out like your permanent answers. I mean sometimes things, yeah, it's, it's a, it can be a little too much. It's like no, no. You have the freedom to make mistakes to figure it out and you have permission to disagree with something you've done in your past. That is amazing. I really appreciate you coming on. How can people find you? Um, online? Like you have a web, you have a website. So the best way to reach us, um, there is mental health America of Franklin County. If you go under there, get involved tab where? Right there. Oh Wow. And then if you go to our Instagram page, you can go to uniquely ordinary and we're there as well. If you have trouble finding us. We have like the big Deere logo on there. Um, everybody always asks us like, what does the[inaudible] um, so this is what it means for me. Um, so you see all those like deer crossing signs all over Columbus and I don't even know how they pick where those go because they're literally just everywhere, but nobody really cares to acknowledge them. And the same thing is kind of true of like our mental health symptoms. The warning signs are there all over the place, but you just kind of figure, Nah, that's not, that's not a big deal. That's not a big enough issue. I'll, I'll, I'm fine. Just got to keep plugging away. And then you front end the deer are, and it goes through right. Can Kill you. Yep. Exactly. This is wow. Oh, say I did not know this this last time. Like,

I mean, holy crap, I'm scared and I like that. Well, we appreciate you coming on and talking about this. I know this, you know, I don't know where this is going to. Honestly, we went in a lot of different directions. Um, we know from religion to anxiety to mental health to, I mean everything, so I really appreciate the good conversation with you. Yeah, for sure. Thank you. Thank you for coming on. Thanks guys. Bye Bye. Hi. Hi. That was our interview. I'm in. Hi. Hi. Hi. Bye. Wow, that was good. It was good. It was very insightful. Like I didn't expect you to be that like deep God, I, I applaud these people who have the courage to just say, I see a problem and I'm going to try to fix it and let's go. He's incredible. I mean, he does a lot of stuff locally and he's a really good person, so I'm glad that he's giving back and trying to help others, especially hearing his stories growing up. And so I was like, oh my God. Like I, you know, I think I have it bad. Or like, I'm like, Oh God, I couldn't even go play my playstation. He's like, I had to go get homeschooled and then all my friends were like people who couldn't even imagine. Right? Yeah. So if hopefully everybody enjoyed that cause we did loved it. Um, thank you everybody who's subscribed to our, uh, feed on iTunes and one at a time, you need to follow some Instagram because we're clearly going to be the next big thing. I mean, clearly, clearly it's very clear. It's clearly, if you're not aware you should be granted Vanderbilt. Please write us and call us. It's like throwing that in on and I'm going to tag you. Please, please call us. I know you're busy, but we need you to call us and that wraps up this week. Oh, wrap it up cause my anxiety's kicking in. I got wrapped to shut up like[inaudible] pen, Kevin, miss CVD. My God. All right, thanks for coming and listening. Bang. Bye Bye.

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